This is a continuation of our conversation with good friend Jayna Haney, who founded The Bridge Across in 2006 to help stepfamilies and single parents:
What are some things that stepfamily parents can do when dealing with an ex-husband or ex-wife who is unwilling or uncooperative with co-parenting?
I specialize in strategies for working with difficult "ex" situations. But there are some basic steps and a plan of action that you need to use on a regular basis in terms of the way you think and act about your ex:
Expect your ex to react around the marriage.
It is normal for exes to react before or after the marriage. The maternal and paternal instincts are very strong, and many exes are very unconscious that there behavior is about their own fear and insecurity. Instead, they will always try to blame you.
Work out your angst on a daily basis.
Exercise--I like punching bags and kick-boxing best--running, yoga--but do anything on a daily basis to keep your anxiety low. When your body is tired, your emotions and your body don’t react as strongly as they would normally. Doing it daily means helping yourself in all sorts of ways--including getting those endorphins from the exercise that help with the sense of well-being.
Stay Calm when they do react.
Have some empathy for your ex and what they might be feeling. Don’t react back or escalate an issue.
When they say things like, “your wife (the new stepmom) shouldn’t come to the school play”, you can say, “she is coming because she does want to support the children and is now a part of their life. However, she is not trying to be their mom. The children love you very much, and she knows this. I know this must be strange for you (the bio Mom) but we can all work together. We respect you as their Mom".
Don’t Take things personally.
If the kids come home and say, “Dad says that we shouldn’t be watching TV at your house”, or some other complaint or comment about your parenting, the step parent, etc. Don’t get upset, just say, “Your Dad and I do things differently, but that’s okay. People often do things differently. (You could even move on to talk about how different friends have different rules at their house too. You want them to talk to you about their life everywhere, so don’t get upset. Just let them know that it might be different but it’s okay and important to respect each parent at their house.
Be the Grownup
Plan to be courteous when you do see your ex at various events – no matter what. Your kids are counting on you. If you have a difficult ex, it is even more of a reason to act without malice or rudeness. Your kids need to see one of you doing the right thing and acting the right way. In emails or phone calls, continue to be courteous and calm.
Learn to center yourself BEFORE you will see the ex at a school event, birthday party, etc.
Uncomfortable situations are part of life. Walking in late to a meeting, saying the wrong thing, etc. If you have to see your ex, center yourself by talking positively to yourself and staying calm. Exercise or work out your angst before your go. Focus on your children and how important it is to make this a positive event. Acknowledge your ex in public and around your children. Both parent and stepparent need to do this.
If you will use this plan to deal with these events, it will get easier and better. You will become a master at these events and moments (and they will stop being uncomfortable and hard for you), and your kids will be so grateful to you.
How can stepfamilies get connected to other stepfamilies?
Stepfamilies are busy, busy and busy. But they are everywhere. Look for them at the schools where your children are. Some of the larger churches in your area may have a stepfamily group. You can usually find stepfamilies at marriage workshops and events. I will be doing a stepfamily seminar in the spring that will help connect other stepfamilies.
I specialize in strategies for working with difficult "ex" situations. But there are some basic steps and a plan of action that you need to use on a regular basis in terms of the way you think and act about your ex:
Expect your ex to react around the marriage.
It is normal for exes to react before or after the marriage. The maternal and paternal instincts are very strong, and many exes are very unconscious that there behavior is about their own fear and insecurity. Instead, they will always try to blame you.
Work out your angst on a daily basis.
Exercise--I like punching bags and kick-boxing best--running, yoga--but do anything on a daily basis to keep your anxiety low. When your body is tired, your emotions and your body don’t react as strongly as they would normally. Doing it daily means helping yourself in all sorts of ways--including getting those endorphins from the exercise that help with the sense of well-being.
Stay Calm when they do react.
Have some empathy for your ex and what they might be feeling. Don’t react back or escalate an issue.
When they say things like, “your wife (the new stepmom) shouldn’t come to the school play”, you can say, “she is coming because she does want to support the children and is now a part of their life. However, she is not trying to be their mom. The children love you very much, and she knows this. I know this must be strange for you (the bio Mom) but we can all work together. We respect you as their Mom".
Don’t Take things personally.
If the kids come home and say, “Dad says that we shouldn’t be watching TV at your house”, or some other complaint or comment about your parenting, the step parent, etc. Don’t get upset, just say, “Your Dad and I do things differently, but that’s okay. People often do things differently. (You could even move on to talk about how different friends have different rules at their house too. You want them to talk to you about their life everywhere, so don’t get upset. Just let them know that it might be different but it’s okay and important to respect each parent at their house.
Be the Grownup
Plan to be courteous when you do see your ex at various events – no matter what. Your kids are counting on you. If you have a difficult ex, it is even more of a reason to act without malice or rudeness. Your kids need to see one of you doing the right thing and acting the right way. In emails or phone calls, continue to be courteous and calm.
Learn to center yourself BEFORE you will see the ex at a school event, birthday party, etc.
Uncomfortable situations are part of life. Walking in late to a meeting, saying the wrong thing, etc. If you have to see your ex, center yourself by talking positively to yourself and staying calm. Exercise or work out your angst before your go. Focus on your children and how important it is to make this a positive event. Acknowledge your ex in public and around your children. Both parent and stepparent need to do this.
If you will use this plan to deal with these events, it will get easier and better. You will become a master at these events and moments (and they will stop being uncomfortable and hard for you), and your kids will be so grateful to you.
How can stepfamilies get connected to other stepfamilies?
Stepfamilies are busy, busy and busy. But they are everywhere. Look for them at the schools where your children are. Some of the larger churches in your area may have a stepfamily group. You can usually find stepfamilies at marriage workshops and events. I will be doing a stepfamily seminar in the spring that will help connect other stepfamilies.
Any advice for the additional scheduling headaches unique to stepfamilies?
Plan regularly and often.
With 4 children now between the ages of 12 and 15, we have a busy household and schedule. My husband and I sit down together at home or sometimes at dinner with both of our calendars. We go through the next 3 or 4 weeks, and discuss what each of us is doing and our kids are doing for the next few weeks including parties, church, events for school, etc. We also talk about any travel for work, what nights we have what kids, etc. My husband plans nights when he will work late, and I have alone time with my kids in the evenings. We also plan when we will have alone time together and look forward to that.
On the days and weekends when we have all our children (4 between the ages of 12 and 15), we plan out the events of the specific day the night before or the morning of. I will pick up these children, he will take care of those, we will have a family dinner at this time, etc. The purpose of constantly talking about it is to make sure we’re on the same page- not making it inflexible. With the 4 we have, our plans will also change the same day sometimes- and that’s okay. One kid will want to go to a friend at the last minute, one kid will want to go to the movies.. When this happens, we talk about it and make sure each other knows what is going on.
We make sure that each of us have time to rest during the weekend, and help each other get that time. Now that our kids are older, it is easier. When they were younger, we would have times during the weekend where we had rest time. Everyone would read, watch TV or a movie, play in their rooms, and we would take our breaks then.
This is also what we do for holidays and extended time in the summer. If you don’t do this now, then start. You can learn to do this and work together.
What has personally been the greatest encouragement to you since entering this world yourself?
Helping others who are in the same situations my husband and I were in. Hearing from them or seeing them feel better and become stronger. Also, my husband and I aren’t perfect. We certainly make mistakes with each other and our children, and don’t always make the right decision but we know how to change course with the right tools.
What is your greatest dream for stepfamilies in America?
For stepfamilies to know and understand that they are powerful in their ability to succeed as a stepfamily. They can.
Thanks again, Jayna, for all that you do! For more information about The Bridge Across, go to http://www.thebridgeacross.com/
On the days and weekends when we have all our children (4 between the ages of 12 and 15), we plan out the events of the specific day the night before or the morning of. I will pick up these children, he will take care of those, we will have a family dinner at this time, etc. The purpose of constantly talking about it is to make sure we’re on the same page- not making it inflexible. With the 4 we have, our plans will also change the same day sometimes- and that’s okay. One kid will want to go to a friend at the last minute, one kid will want to go to the movies.. When this happens, we talk about it and make sure each other knows what is going on.
We make sure that each of us have time to rest during the weekend, and help each other get that time. Now that our kids are older, it is easier. When they were younger, we would have times during the weekend where we had rest time. Everyone would read, watch TV or a movie, play in their rooms, and we would take our breaks then.
This is also what we do for holidays and extended time in the summer. If you don’t do this now, then start. You can learn to do this and work together.
What has personally been the greatest encouragement to you since entering this world yourself?
Helping others who are in the same situations my husband and I were in. Hearing from them or seeing them feel better and become stronger. Also, my husband and I aren’t perfect. We certainly make mistakes with each other and our children, and don’t always make the right decision but we know how to change course with the right tools.
What is your greatest dream for stepfamilies in America?
For stepfamilies to know and understand that they are powerful in their ability to succeed as a stepfamily. They can.
Thanks again, Jayna, for all that you do! For more information about The Bridge Across, go to http://www.thebridgeacross.com/
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