Giving Thanks for Kids

On Thanksgiving, I'm so grateful to God for quite a lot. High on my list of thanks is the unbelievable privilege of getting to be a parent, along with my lovely wife, to two great kids. It's so ironic because when I was young myself, the thought of being a dad one day never even once crossed my mind. It wasn't even on my radar. I guess I was too busy being a kid myself.

But now, with two active teenagers in the house, we get to enjoy the richness they provide that we wouldn't experience otherwise. I'm grateful for the joys, the sorrows, the sheer comedy and entertainment, the aggravation, and just the opportunities to connect and re-connect as we learn together over and over how to be a loving family.

There are so many aspects of parenting for which I am appreciative. For instance, I'm thankful that my wife and I had both a girl and a boy. We have benefited greatly ourselves from learning how to understand the different needs of a young lady and a young man. And, believe me, there are differences. As example, the women in our house can't understand how we guys could possibly watch four critically important football games in one long playoff weekend. Meanwhile, the men in our house have yet to figure out why expensive nail jobs and pedicures cost so much. We're all learning.

I'm also happy that the temperaments of our teenagers are quite different from one another. Even though this fact has resulted in us having to adapt our parenting styles to suit their individual needs, their differences have also taught us a lot about life....and about human beings. Specifically, it's important to remember that every person is an unique individual and cannot be approached with a one-size-fits-all mentality. Our two kids have completely different personalities. So we try to adapt accordingly.

I'm very glad that our kids are musicians and have a deep appreciation for music of all kinds. It gives the four of us a unique language as a family that we can share for the rest of our lives. Without that mutual affinity, someone in our family (probably me!) would have been quite frustrated. From Bach to the Beatles to David Crowder, there's a whole lot to chew on in the musical stratosphere that we can enjoy together. As long as we aren't each plugged into our separate iPods, we can experience this musical affection as a family.

Our house where we live has an open concept where everyone can hear what everyone else is doing. Although that has been annoying for each one of us more than once, overall, it has been a nice feature of our home to keep us more engaged in each other's lives. The best part for me is not missing out on something funny when it happens in another room.

Which leads me to the importance of having a sense of humor. I'm glad that our kids are funny. Maybe our favorite thing to do as a family is to laugh together. Our kids are standup comedians anyway, so there are plenty of great routines and bits that get repeated throughout the day. And, of course, they always make us fall apart. Laughing is such a great benefit and it has even made some of the tougher disciplinary moments over the years a little less heavy.

Naturally, I'm relieved that our kids love us and that they know without a shadow of a doubt that we love them. But I'm more grateful that they have a deep personal love for Christ. I wish we could take credit for that, but we can't. Even though we believe, as parents, that we have provided an inviting spiritual atmosphere for our kids from the time before they were born, we know that God mercifully made that connection with our children Himself. He answered our prayers that our kids would come to know Him at a young age (4 and 3 years old respectively) and He has continued to nurture that love along the way through many Christlike mentors and godly friends. Knowing that our kids have their ultimate identity in Jesus gives us security that cannot be surpassed. No matter what, that love relationship our children have with Him can never be taken away.

That's a lot to be thankful for. I could go on and on like this. I love talking about my children. But as singer Wayne Watson once said at a concert, "I used to be so proud of my kids. Now, I'm just thankful." That sums it up for me.

Happy Thanksgiving and may your families be richly blessed today!

Thanks for the Memories

Have you ever noticed at extended family gatherings that much of the conversation centers around past family experiences? Situations that only your family can understand? In fact, more specifically, often those best memories are connected to past family trips. But, honestly, the classic stories are usually not about family excursions to Disney World or places like that. That's because trips to expensive amusement parks are usually more focused on how great the amusement park is......rather than on connectional family interaction.

Consequently, some of the greatest family stories usually occur in places as obscure as Cut n' Shoot or Old Dime Box--places you go when you travel. This can even include hangin' out together on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck while being stranded....or helping Dad change a tire for the first time. Those great memories that last a lifetime are not always expensive or even planned.

In fact, it's amazing how the most seemingly insignficant memories in some of the most non-glamorous settings can help families to bond.

I remember one particular family day at a mall in Houston. My wife, two kids and I were there to shop, of course--not my favorite pasttime by any stretch of the imagination. But, I always try to remember that a lot of the greatest times of connection occur in some of the most mundane settings. That December day, my young son and I quickly found ourselves extremely bored in a very long line in a crowded department store. So to combat boredom, we spent that time in line playing tic-tac-toe on a nearby display set--we played something like 50 rounds! Later, my daughter and I did puzzles together in a book that was handed to us as we were navigating the human maze down the main corridor of the mall.

A little bit later, we talked our kids once again into posing with Santa (against their will, of course, but that Santa pic was a long-standing family tradition). Each year, we always wondered what kind of Santa Claus we would get--some were better than others. But those pictures are always classics because of the often surly expressions on our kids' faces.

As we were driving away from the mall, we happened to hear the Pink Panther theme on the radio, which for some reason, always reminds us of our dog, Andi. Each family member then immediately told his or her favorite story relating to our dog and her life of constant scamming.

On the way to dinner, my wife had to stop at one more store to buy a gift, so the kids and I took the opportunity to drive to a nearby gas station mart to get some snacks for later. Our kids used to LOVE going to the gas station store (simple pleasures, right?)!! You'd think we had gone to Neiman's or something! Finally, while at dinner at Souper Salad, we played word games, name games, and then my son made me guess pro football players' names for the rest of the night. We retired at home that night having had a lot of fun. I guess I was surprised myself at how much I enjoyed that day.

When you play like that with your family regardless of the circumstances, you let your kids know how valuable they are to you. You let them know that they are more important than the original endeavor. That they are actually more important than the family trip. Or the shopping experience. And all of this re-establishes good communication, rapport.....and great memories.

But the attitudinal change starts with us.....the parents. So I encourage you to always look for the fun in those mundane moments. Before you know it, you'll be creating stories that you'll be sharing years later at the family gathering. And then don't get offended if non-family members are rolling their eyes or yawning. They just won't get it.

How To Stay Calm During Tug-of-War

Do you ever feel like parenting teenagers is one long game of tug-of-war? As your kids are getting taller and stronger in their teenage years, it may be a good reminder to remember that in tug-of-war, taller and stronger teams do not always win. The winner in tug-of-war is always the team with the best leverage.

Do you have teens that dig their heels in the ground? Obstinate teenagers can certainly cause a myriad of problems. This is why many parents so often give up on setting boundaries with teenagers. Parenting during this stage often seems too challenging. Maybe, if we're honest, it feels like the work is too hard and that we're losing traction...along with our kid! The "friendship" with your child suddenly becomes more important. Many a parent waves a white flag in this way: "I'll give up the rules, to salvage the relationship."

What do teenagers think and feel if the parents check out from the role of discipling their children? It's pretty clear. In these situations, teens feel superior and and the passive parent is seen as inferior. All of a sudden, teenagers feel emotionally stronger than their parents. From this new empowerment rises a very self-centered assumption that the teenager has a "right" to rebel. Letting this take place is a great disservice to your not-yet-adult child....and to your family.

This is why boundaries are still so very important for a teenager living at home. Respectful boundaries create a relationship of mutual respect. It's hard to function in life without boundaries. As an example, sports have boundary limits. Without lines drawn on the field or court, you're not really playing tennis, football, or baseball. In the same way, boundaries in a family are established limits.....lines that should not be crossed. This lets everyone in the family know what's to be expected.

Even though most teenagers naturally want to be free (it's a natural part of their development), they are not quite ready for the totality of that kind of responsibility. Proper and healthy boundaries along with relational affection and connection can actually help your kids mature faster and take more responsibilities sooner. Then your teenager will feel more empowered and, ultimately, have higher self-confidence. And in most cases, your teenager will respect you more and grow in their affection towards you. In this way, you will actually bond closer again with your student. And then you both win!

Remember, a passive parent never gains respect. If this neglectful style of parenting has been a pattern in your family, turning that ship around could take a little bit of time--but hang in there. Keep taking positive steps forward. The rewards are great. Proverbs 29:17 says "Discipline your son and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul."

Having delight in your soul should be ample motivation to move toward a loving balance of affirming affection and respectful boundaries.


To learn more about boundaries and how to use implement them properly in your family, go to the fantastic website of Henry Cloud and John Townsend, the worldwide leaders on this subject at www.cloudtownsend.com

Happy Is As Happy Does

This past week, MTV and the Associated Press released a landmark study regarding young people and the state of happiness. What they found is that young people (13-24) today are generally very happy, optimistic about the future and have goals in place to become even happier later. Sounds great, doesn't it? You may check out more details of this in-depth study at MTV think.

There's certainly some seemingly good signs in some of the findings of the study. Besides determining that most American teens are happy and optimistic, parents are also seen as an overwhelmingly positive influence. In fact, nearly half of the respondents mentioned at least one of their parents as a hero. Wow....maybe you can trust someone over thirty! And if forty is the new thirty...maybe there's hope for a lot of us.

So what are we to make out of all of this? At first glance, the report seems to be glowing. After all, there's a lot of happiness in the findings. That's got to be a good thing, right? Certainly, we as parents delight in seeing our children when they're happy. But, as Peggy Lee (who?) sang in the late 60's, "Is that all there is?"

Happiness is one of the great blessings of living in this world. It would be nice to be happy all the time. As a matter of fact, I consider myself a very optimistic person. But I guess an important thing to consider is your personal definition of happiness. In one case, my Webster's defines "happiness" as the state of being in a happy mood--characterized or indicative of pleasure. Hmmm......if one's life is going to be lived based on that definition of happiness, then there's probably a whole lot of frustration up ahead. In the course of an average day, one's ability to experience worldly pleasure at any given moment can be limited, at best. And that's universally true for everybody. If you don't believe me, just ask today's richest, most famous celebrities.

I guess that's why I prefer another one of Webster's definitions for happiness: having joy. The biblical definition of that word joy implies a happiness that is not determined by your external circumstances. It's determined more by your identity in Christ. It's a reflection of knowing who you belong to. This resolution inside develops into a deep confidence of being significant in Someone's eyes.

So how do we pass that kind of happiness or joy on to our kids? The best answer is to live out that joyful response in our own hearts. In Philippians 4:4-7, Paul gives a pretty clear prescription for how adults can live in joy. And one of the many key phrases for me within that passage is this one: Let your gentleness be evident to all.

What an interesting idea! This may be something new for you. Rather than being heavy-handed or manipulative as a parent, try this strategy instead. If you can demonstrate to your family a gentleness that comes supernaturally from walking closely with God, I believe your children will have a much higher chance of living in that same kind of joy. Not a falsely pious joy (a major big turnoff to both kids and adults), but instead a simple gratitude for all that God has and will do for us.

The advantage of this approach is that no matter what your kids' circumstances in life, good, bad, or ugly, they can still genuinely experience joy in their day. That will make all of us parents happy!

A happiness rooted in joy. My mom's favorite musical piece was J.S. Bach's classic "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring". In fact, it was played at her memorial service. She died relatively early in her life after a long struggle with cancer. I've always loved that Bach masterpiece. I still get joy every time I hear it. Each time, it reminds me of how powerful and wonderful it is when a person knows that they initmately belong to Someone. That's the happiness worth living for.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation: I Worked!

My teenage daughter is working this summer up at our church for the third year in a row. That just also happens to be where I work year round myself. Even though she and I don't work together in the same area, it's still such a great thing to have her there on campus. Some days, we ride into town together (so she can save on her own gas money). During the course of a busy day, we "bump into each other" a lot--usually at the copy machine. Every now and then, she'll drop into my office just to defrag for a few seconds and play the old acoustic guitar I have sitting in the corner. Sometimes she'll serenade me for a minute or two. That's pretty nice. And the best part is that every few days or so, we'll do a lunch together at our little dad-daughter lunch place. It helps make a very long, hot Houston summer quite pleasant....just to have my angel up there with me.

Working at the church has also been a great experience for my daughter, too. She has most definitely earned her spot on that summer staff. She volunteered her first year, and because of her outstanding work ethic, she was quite convincing of her worth in being hired in successive years. In the course of her duties in the youth department of a large church, she interacts with parents, students, staff and volunteers, and takes on a tremendous amount of responsibility for someone her age. She also serves in music leadership during the summer. All of her dealings there will serve her well in the future. As you have probably figured out, I couldn't be more proud of her.

Summer jobs are so important. That's how I learned my own strong work ethic--something I didn't have before I started doing summer jobs. It all began with my first bona fide job at fourteen. Sure, I had mowed lawns and things like that before, but only because my parents made me do it. But now, I was digging ditches for my dad's construction company in Beaumont, Texas--in the hard clay, out in the middle of a new job site, helping to put in a sewer system, digging under a hot Texas summer sun where it was 105 degrees in the shade (even though there were no trees within half a mile of the job). In many ways, it was the best temporary position I ever held--only because no matter what future jobs I would take later, they would always be not that!!

Washing dishes at a hamburger restaurant, selling toys at a department store, roofing (another really tough gig), working at a bank, running camera at a CBS television station, working for an advertising agency, becoming a DJ at a radio station.....all the other summer jobs I held following that first one were each also instrumental into helping me later in life. It was an eclectic mix, to be sure. But I can't say enough about the importance of doing all those things and learning what it means to be a professional.

We have another teenager coming up who will need a summer job soon. We'd better start looking for options for him, too.

Give Them Wings

This morning I waved goodbye to my youngest child as he headed out for church camp. He was so excited. His two best buddies were going, too. They've all been anticipating this special week. I was careful to give him his goodbye kiss and hug while still inside the car. You know how those adolescent boys can be ... they love us and all, but come on, Mom ... save the affection for inside the house! Every time one of my kids heads out of town, or even to a friend's house for a sleepover, I am reminded that one day these children (teenagers now) will be leaving my nest. When I was a young Mommy, people used to say to me, "Enjoy them, because they grow up so fast." And I used to secretly think, "No, they don't! This season is going by very slowly!" I was completely wrong. It seems we blink our eyes and our babies are dating and thinking about where to attend college.

And the older they get, the faster the seasons fly by. We're planning a couple of college visits this fall, even though my daughter still has two years of high school. But I know that I will turn around and those two years will be gone. Brett and I spend a lot of time writing and talking about giving children good strong roots. Roots of spiritual truth, personal responsibility, and strong relational ties. But I also hope we focus as much on giving children good strong wings. Our children are in our nest for such a short season, and they will eventually fly away. We want them to be able to be self-sufficient, good decision makers, and people that care about their community. These are the wings that will take them so very far in life.

Hug your kiddos tightly and tell them it's a good thing for them to fly. To quote a favorite Andy Griffith Show episode ... when Opie lets his little birds fly away from his cage, he says "Boy, Pa, the cage seems awful empty." And Andy responds with, "Yes, but don't the trees seem nice and full?" That's a good one to remember!

Grace For the Journey

The other day I had lunch with a friend who is the wonderful Mommy of a healthy and happy toddler, her only child so far. We spent most of the lunch talking about how much she worries about whether she's a good mother. A few days later I sat in on a small group at my church where the topic was parenting. This group discussed the blessings of raising children and also the worry that someday they'll wake up and discover they're doing it all wrong. I began to realize that most of us as parents aren't completely confident of our parenting skills. I sometimes think back on the early years with my little ones, and I'm embarrassed at how much time I spent worrying ... not just about them, but about me. There were far too many times when I was stressed out and full of anxiety over the silliest things, when I should have been enjoying the season. It's funny, but by the time you finally start to get the hang of parenting, your kids are almost grown up! So as the Mom of two teenagers, I say this to all of you who worry you're not doing a good enough job ... Cut yourself some slack! There is no parent in the world who gets it right all the time. You're going to make mistakes ... big ones. But you ask your kids to forgive you, and you dust yourself off and start a new day with God's help. In case you haven't noticed yet, children are the most forgiving people on earth. Never has there been a time when my kids didn't immediately forgive me when I asked them to do so. They are very Christ-like in that regard. It's refreshing. I remember hearing a well-known psychologist and parenting expert say that he was sure his kids would someday be lying on some psycho-therapist's sofa complaining of what a terrible father they had! This parenting gig is a marathon ... not a sprint. You're going to have great days and bad days. Let God's grace shower you once in a while ... it feels good.

Internet Acronyms

The more things change the more they stay the same. When I was a kid, there were all kinds of phrases that my friends and I used that my parents had no clue about. That same generational divide has been revived--this time in the world of media. Computer-savvy teenagers (and even elementary-aged kids) have a language that is uniquely theirs--in this case to use online and on cell phones. But now the stakes are a bit higher in what's being communicated to whom. Whether it's used for texting, instant messaging, or posts on webpages, it's good for parents to have a clue of some of the terminology used.

Of course, the new online vocabulary is hard to master as new terms are being invented, literally, every day. Here are some very common internet acronyms that have been used for a few years now:

P911 - Parent Alert

PIR - Parent In Room

MOSS - Members Of The Same Sex

KPC - Keeping Parents Clueless

LMIRL - Let's Meet In Real Life

KFY - Kiss For You

ASL - Age/Sex/Location

Those are some of the much milder terms used commonly these days. Go to http://www.netlingo.com/ to access the Top 20 Internet Acronyms Every Parent Needs To Know. You will also find other helpful information there.

Remember, it's so important to stay invested in your children's lives, particularly in their media communication. At the very least, it's fantastic insight into the inner world of their lives. Beyond that, you very well could be protecting them from things that could endanger them.

It's That Time Again

Teen rebellion is no respecter of families. One of the reasons why is because rebellion is often caused by hormonal issues. If that's the case, how do you minimize the potential blowups of an angry hormone-driven teenager? Not too long ago, The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health surveyed over eleven thousand teenagers to determine which factors were most helpful in preventing harmful behavior, such as violence, suicide, substance abuse, early sexual behavior and teen pregnancy. According to an article by Dr. James Dobson, here's what the researchers found: The presence of parents is critical at four key times of the day: early morning, after school, dinnertime and bedtime.

When those crucial times of the day are combined with shared activities between parents and their kids, the most positive outcome is achieved. And it gets even better when there are strong feelings of emotional connection between teens and their parents.

So how in the world can you be available at all of those times and still meet the demands of a work schedule, for instance? Actually, it's quite possible you can't be available for all of those times. Nevertheless, as the parent of a teenager, it's wise to do the very best you can to make the sacrifices you can in this area. A parent's willingness to make connections with their teenager at this critical stage will pay large dividends down the road.

It's just a fact that some of us have more flexibility with our work schedules than others. My two cents is that if God has given you the opportunity to be flexible at all in this regard, please take advantage of it. It's a gift....a splendid gift. No matter what, do all that's in your power to spend more intentional time making connections with your teen. What could be a greater investment in their future? And even if your teenager may not always verbalize his or her appreciation to you precisely at that critical moment in time, trust me....they will be so grateful to you.....eventually.

Hollywood vs. Your House

With all the recent media hype regarding Young Hollywood, I feel compelled to jot some ideas down that will hopefully encourage all of us as parents.

Now, this is not meant to trash the Hilton, the Lohan, or the Spears families ... I’m sure they are fine people. But perhaps the values and ideals that have been passed down to some of these children could help us re-evaluate our own parenting values. We live in such an excessive and over-indulgent culture; sometimes it’s easy to pass on that same mindset to our children. Like you, I’ve watched the almost endless media coverage of Young Hollywood being incarcerated, checking in and out of rehab, etc. As a result, I am strongly reminded that I want my kids to learn how to be self-sufficient, productive, and others-centered.

When I was growing up, my parents lived paycheck to paycheck for many years. I suppose we were considered an “uncomfortably middle class” family. We had a loving home, good food on the table, and one family vacation a year. But money for little luxuries wasn’t always available. I particularly recall my high school years, when Izod shirts were all the rage. I desperately wanted a pink Izod shirt … I just knew that wearing that choice apparel would give me the self-confidence I needed to navigate through high school and beyond. But we couldn't afford the iconic shirt with the little alligator on it. So in an attempt to accommodate me, my Mom bought me some knock-off shirts that had a teddy bear where the alligator should have been. I look back now and think what a sweet gesture that was … but at the time I was embarrassed. Shortly thereafter, one of my friends gave me an old navy blue Izod that she was tired of wearing. Even though it was faded, I loved wearing that shirt. Who knew that an alligator could make such a silly difference?

These days the icons and logos may be different, but just as important to our kids. Ipod, Coach, New Balance, and Burberry are a few of the coveted brand names in our house. Though paling in comparison to the brand names surely purchased in the Hilton home, it’s still all the same. Our culture tries to brand not only its logos on our brain, but also its lifestyles and values. I believe it is our responsibility as parents to steer our children to what matters in this life … whether your household income is six figures or more, or whether you’re where my family was financially while I was growing up, the things that matter never change.

Something I’ve learned along the way is that the only season of our child’s life that we can truly control and protect is the nine months they are in the womb. After that, they’re “out there” in the world. Parenting is an everyday process of letting go. Let’s give them strong roots plus healthy wings so that they may soar!

The Importance of Fathers - Part Two

This is a continuation of my interview with Rick Wertz, founder of the Faithful Fathering Initiative of Texas

Rick, in what ways do you hope to inspire fathers through FFIT?

Through Biblical truths and practical teachings in seminar and small group settings. FFIT works to encourage and equip men to grow in their walk as a father and with the Father.

What's the most important thing a father can do for his child?

Love his wife as Christ loves the church and be present in his child's life - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

What suggestions do you have for fathers to connect deeper with their children?

Have one-on-one time with the cell phones turned off; father/child retreats are also great experiences.

What about dads who have alienated their children to the point of resentment?

What can they do to reverse that trend?

Pray; seek Christian counsel; reconcile and ask for forgiveness; convey a commitment to healing the relationship; and persevere to follow through with the understanding that there are no "quick fixes".

What are your thoughts about families where there is no father? What then?

The statistics are not good for kids growing up without fathers -- they are twice as likely to drop out of high school; young ladies are three times more likely to become teen mothers; and, boys are ten times more likely to have behavioral problems. I encourage single moms to seek out a father-figure. Ideally, it would be a family member such as an uncle or cousin. But, it may be a Scout leader or a man in the church. Encourage the men's ministry in the church to address the need for father-figures for single-parent homes in the community.

What has been your greatest personal lesson as a father?

That I can become the father my children need by His grace and for His glory because I have a Heavenly Father that can fill the gap between Him and the example set by my earthly father.

Thanks, Rick, for your responses and for your ministry. We appreciate what you are doing to encourage fathers to lead their families in a Christlike way!

The Importance of Fathers

With Father's Day approaching, I thought it only made sense to focus on fathers for this post. It just so happens that I recently interviewed Rick Wertz, a very good bud--and the founder and president of The Faithful Fathering Initiative of Texas. Here is an edited portion of that exchange:

Rick, briefly, why did you start FFIT?

The Lord convicted me of busy-ness in my life. In spite of the fact that God had answered my lifelong prayers of providing a healthful marriage and family, as well as meeting our financial needs, I had relegated the raising of our children to their mother. The Lord convicted me that the role of the father is to emulate God's example as our Heavenly Father. God has called me to wake up men like me that have been distracted by the world. FFIT encourages and equips dads in their role as a father--to become the true heroes of the next generation.

In our culture and in the media today, how are fathers being treated?

In the worst-case scenario men are treated simply as sperm donors. Occasionally, there will be a positive article covering a dad doing it right, usually around Father's Day. But, in most cases, the depicition of fathers is of a dad not engaged or even present in his child's life.

Is this depiction justified?

The depiction is what it is, a representation of our culture.

How important is the role of a father in a family?

It is important enough for the Heavenly Father to share the moniker "father" with us. A dad provides the right balance with mom to provide a daily lesson in relationship that the child will reference for a lifetime.

What is the biblical reponsibility of the father?

To leave his mother and father and unite with his wife to become one flesh (Gen. 2:24) for the sake of raising godly offspring (Malachi 2:15).

Is it important for a father to be a biblical scholar?

No. But it is important for him to be the spiritual leader and reflect a commitment to grow in relationship with Jesus the Christ everyday.

In what ways does an invested and attentive father help the confidence of a child?

An invested and attentive father provides a solid reference point for the child, a constant. In doing so, the father points the way to the Rock, which is the foundational relationship that equips the child to face the ups and downs in a performance-based world.

I will continue this interview with Rick in the next posting.....

Teaching Kids About Money

The following excellent article was written by a very good friend of ours, Chris Groff. Chris, his wife Michelle, and Lee Long lead Parenting By Design, a parenting ministry with outstanding resources for biblical parenting principles. I have edited this slightly for space. From Chris:

I have recently been thinking about the questions, “What do I want my kids to know about money?” and “How can I best teach that lesson?”

1 John 3:17-18 says, “Whoever has the world's goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.”

Compared to all others, we are a very wealthy country. As a result, our problem with money is not the lack of it, but rather the use of the tremendous resources we have. Our children are born into this wealthy culture and it is our job as their parents to help them understand the role of money in their lives. Before we can teach them, however, we need to examine ourselves. What do we really think about money? Whose is it? What does God desire for us to do with it?

Most of you know the verse, “For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs,” (1 Tim 6:10). This verse is often misquoted as saying that money is the root of evil, but that is clearly not so. It is not the money that is evil; it is the love of money. I believe the love of money is evil because it takes the place of a love for God. Money can be very good when we remember it is a gift from God. “Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights,” (James 1:2). But, when we are blessed with financial rewards, as many of us are, we should pause to consider that the money we have been given is not ours. It is God’s money, given to us to use. And, the way we use the money God has entrusted with us says more about us and our love for God than most of our other "spiritual” endeavors. The example we set in the handling of our possessions is one our children will not forget.

It helps me to understand I am living in enemy territory. Each family and community of faith is a beachhead in the battle between good and evil and you can expect the enemy to fight with all he has. That means that he will do everything within his power to make you want more than you have because he knows the love of money and possessions excludes the love of God. We are inundated with media of all sorts, flooding us with images and sensations to entice us to want more and more. Our preoccupation with celebrities, the wealthy and the powerful serves to make us more and more discontent with our mundane lifestyles. Our response to this onslaught reveals the true love of our life. Do we love God or money?

It seems God’s view is money is not the issue. It is our love for the things money can buy. We want more money in order to … “But godliness with contentment is great gain,” (1 Tim 6:6 NIV). God seems to be saying the issue is contentment. Godliness means being content with what we have, whether that is little or much. When we are content and more money comes our way, we are in a much better position to pray and ask God what He wants us to do with it. When we are discontent, the drive to acquire more drives us away from God.

How can I apply this in my life? First, I have to remember that everything I have has been given to me by God. “For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude; for it is sanctified by means of the word of God and prayer,” (1 Tim 4:4-5). If you have much, praise God for it. If you have little, trust God that He has given you what you need to be content.

Second, I have to understand the gifts I have been given are not mine, but God’s. My money is not 90% mine and 10% God’s – it is 100% God’s. And, He is very interested in what I choose to do with the gifts He has given me. My use of those gifts is the best indicator of my heart. “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also,” (Matt 6:21).

Third, God has given us instruction in how to give. “On the first day of every week each one of you is to put aside and save, as he may prosper, so that no collections be made when I come”, (1 Cor 16:2). Ryrie uses this verse to demonstrate four principles of giving: (a) Giving is incumbent on everyone (“each one of you”); (b) giving is to be proportionate (“as he may prosper”); (c) giving is in private (“put aside and save”); and (d) giving should be periodic (“every week”).

How can I teach this to my kids? Remember, it is not just what you say to your children; it is your example that shows what you really believe. Humbly talk about the importance of giving in front of your children. Let them hear your prayers about giving. Demonstrate your love for God by giving some of His money to those less fortunate. Follow the Biblical model for giving, and walk with them through the steps.

In addition, consider their allowance as a way for them to experience giving. Teach them that allowance is a gift from God (through you), but that the money is still God’s. Help them pray about and decide what to do with it, and teach them the Biblical principles for giving. What a gift to give our children! We can help them learn God’s truth about money, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you," (Heb 13:5). That is true contentment.

If you would like more information about Parenting By Design, visit their website at www.parentingbydesign.com or email them at chris.groff@charter.net or michelle.groff@charter.net
Lee Long offers private counseling in Ft. Worth, Houston, and Dallas. To schedule an appointment, call (469) 878-9967 or visit the websites.

Dealing With Bullies

Children being victimized by bullies is not new territory. We've all seen A Christmas Story, right? But unlike little Ralphie in that movie, the effects of it today can have far greater consequences. Children that get bullied are at a higher risk for depression and violent behavior than other children. We've seen that play out in some very tragic scenes this year.

Dr. Michele Borba, an educational psychologist and author of the book Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues That Teach Kids To Do The Right Thing, has some important advice on how to respond to a situation with bullies and your children. First of all, take it seriously and believe their story. Next, find out as many facts and details as you can--when and where the incidents took place. Ask questions about how your child reacted to the bullying. Show understanding and empathy to your child and let them know that you're glad that they told you about it. Give them confidence that you will help them take action.

Borba also suggests for your child her CALM approach--cool down, assert yourself, look your bully in the eye, and mean it. Also, if possible, avoid locations where the bully may be. Meanwhile, encourage your child to travel often in the safer company of friends, while also making new friends.

However, don't give your child all of the responsibility for stopping the bully. Meet with school authorities, if necessary, to make sure they have all the facts and that they are responding. Be persistent and diligent. Talk to your child regularly and to school leadership to be assured that the bullying has stopped.

Finally, pray daily for your child's protection and for their personal growth and the ability to assert themselves correctly. God knows exactly what your child needs and loves your children even more than you do (hard to imagine, isn't it?).

Children that are bullied are not alone. According to Borba, one in seven children suffer the trauma of it. However, with the prayerful support of parents, children can stop becoming statistics from needless and destructive acts of bullying.

"Everyone Else Is Doing It!"

We've just come off of prom season here in Texas, and as I watched many a Hummer-limo drive by, I was reminded of how the pressure of our peers never really goes away. Remember when you were in high school and you used to hear the term "peer pressure", referring to the pull of the drug and alcohol culture and premarital sex? You might have assumed that pressure from your peers would simply fade away as you grew up and out of your teenage drama. Then you became a parent and discovered that peer pressure has raised its ugly head once again! Only this time, it doesn't come from other gawky, know-it-all adolescents ... no, this time the pressure comes from other parents.

Whether the pressure is how extravagant to make your 8-year-old's birthday party, or at what age you let your child date ... there is still the pull that we feel in wanting our kids to fit in and be a part of the crowd. Parents may have outgrown the idea that we, ourselves, need to be a part of the "in" crowd, but the idea of our kids feeling left out - whoa! - that's sometimes too much for us to take. Even though you probably hang out with other parents who are usually level-headed, even those parents can cause us to feel a little old-fashioned at times. Sometimes even our best friends can make us feel unhip, or just out of touch with what's going on -- especially if they let their kid do something we may not allow our kid to do.

Don't get me wrong ... I think other parents are a great resource for us. Those who have kids the same age as ours can encourage and support us. However, eventually we have to make decisions that are specifically right for our children -- not decisions made by other well-intentioned parents just because "everyone else is doing it".

We have a rule in our house that potential suitors for our teenagers must have a little "get-to-know-you" meeting with Mom or Dad before our kids are allowed to go out on a date. We've heard the cries from our eldest of how "no other 21st-century parents do this!" -- and at times we've been made to feel as though we're out to humiliate and ruin the lives of our own children. Such is the life of a parent who is trying to go against parent peer pressure. I try to remind my children that we're not setting out to raise "status quo" kids. We're trying to raise people who rise above the norm, and do the right thing. This is not always easy.

So be prepared to "just say no" to the peer pressure that seems to relentlessly follow you throughout every season of your life. In this case, I guess Nancy Reagan had it right.

The Family That Eats Together.....

The power of a shared family meal--who knew? According to an article published last year in Time magazine, there is something powerful that happens when a family eats together. And more specifically, it's in the teenage years when this habit pays the greatest dividends. Multiple studies show that the more often families share meals together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders and consider suicide. Not only that, but those kids are also more likely to do well in school, delay having sex, eat their vegetables, learn big words, and know which fork to use. I guess this is assuming, of course, that you set out more than one fork when your family sets the table.

Researchers speculate that maybe kids who eat a lot of family meals have less unsupervised time and, consequently, less time and opportunity to get into trouble. More likely, however, is the fact that families that eat together are more apt to connect emotionally. The dinner table is where a family builds its identity. Family stories are told and retold, laughter is easier, kids learn family traditions. This is where important emotional bonds are cemented between parents and children. Important values are passed to the next generation over the dinner table. There's just something disarming about breaking bread together.

Another point to consider is that families that eat together, particularly at home, tend to eat healthier as well. A study in the Archives of Family Medicine found that having more family meals tends to mean less soda and fried food and far more fruits and vegetables. Beyond that, kids that learn how to help prepare a meal are much more likely to eat it--something to think about with picky eaters. Besides, learning to cook is a useful skill that builds self-esteem. So even when families simply cook a meal together, they come out ahead.

If your children are small, you're probably already eating a lot at home. But those with older teenagers should experiment with this concept and see if there's not truth to it. My experience is that our kids seem more connected to their mom and dad after we have shared a meal together. So, we are firm believers that dinners together promote healthier and more emotionally grounded kids--and parents!

Do Your Kids Benefit From Your Parenting Style?

Each of us learns a lot about parenting from our own family of origin. Maybe your parents were very intentional about how to properly raise their children. Or maybe they were not even engaged at all in their roles as mom and dad. Or, most likely, it was somewhere in between.

What kind of parenting style do you have with your kids? Dr. Steve Stephens, a Christian licensed psychologist and author, says there are at least five negative styles of parenting:

Overprotective parents - These are parents that are constantly worried that something bad will happen to their children if those kids are given too much freedom. Did you ever see the movie Finding Nemo? The clownfish "dad" in that movie, Marlin, was that kind of a parent--not willing to let his son venture out at all. The negative product of this parenting style is a kid that often is too petrified to experience life at all--these kids are sometimes afraid of their own shaow. Or, on the other extreme, children of these parents have been so smothered for so long that they are prime candidates to rebel.

Permissive parents - When parents have an "anything goes" mentality, this is a danger sign for all kinds of destructive activity. First of all, kids don't have the discernment to always make sound decisions. And secondly, believing they will get "whatever they want" now sets them up for a rude awakening later. Kids need Mom and Dad to be loving parents, not their running buddies. Just look at many of today's young celebrities and their permissive parents.

Controlling parents - Virtually every kid of a controlling parent that I have ever known ended up in rebellion later. Parents with this style want to control every single aspect of their children's lives. People who operate their families this way would be better off training dogs, rather than raising kids.

Critical parents - So how's this style working out for you? Do you know anyone who responds well to unfounded criticism? Critical parents go way over the line in how they direct their children. A negatively critical environment creates, logically, negative attitudes--as well as impossible standards and ultra-perfectionism. Children in this kind of world either become obsessed with perfectionism themselves and/or get discouraged with everything they try--knowing deep down inside that they can't ever please their critical parent.

Disconnected parents - These are parents that live with their kids, but are so engrossed in their own activities that they don't give any quality attention to their children. The message communicated here is that "I'm too busy for you. You're on your own." These kids tend to become isolated and alienated. They also tend to crave serious romantic relationships before they are emotionally ready.

Dr. Stephens advises parents to be:

• cautious, not overprotective.


• generous, not permissive.


• firm, not controlling.


• encouraging, not critical.


• involved, not distant.

The Bible tells us we are not to exasperate our children. Rather we are to encourage them toward a balanced and Christ-centered life. No matter what parenting styles you witnessed from your own parents, with honest examination and prayer, you can move in these positive directions with your own children.