Tech-Savvy Generation

I just finished reading a great book for parents called Logged On and Tuned Out by Vicki Courtney. It's a great asset for parents whose kids (particularly teens) are part of the very tech-savvy generation. I particularly recommend it for parents who are a bit nervous (maybe even downright scared) about their kids participating in the world wide web via social networks, etc. Vicki has a great approach ... we can't completely shield our kids from all that's out there via the Internet, so our job is to teach them to be wise about their media world. She includes good conversation starters and even parent-child contracts regarding everything from cell phone use to Facebook. It's a great easy read, and one of the most truly helpful books on this particular subject I've seen. She even has a website that will keep things up to date (http://www.loggedonandtunedout.com/) since this is an ever-changing realm. I was even inspired to create my own Facebook account ... keeps me in touch with my kids' world! Enjoy the book.

I'm So Proud of You!

Last week a friend was over at the house and heard my daughter made the volleyball team in middle school. She walked over to her gave her a great big hug and said enthusiastically, “I’m so proud of you!” It was a loving, well-intentioned comment. But I started thinking about it. Why does making the volleyball team make my friend proud of my daughter?

It is important that our children know we are proud of them. But I want kids to know I’m proud of them for who they are and not for what they do. I am choosing to say those precious words away from any achievement a child may have accomplished. So when I kiss them good night and give them a hug, I can say, “I’m so proud of you!” That’s it. I’m not proud of my children because they made good grades, made the volleyball team, or scored the winning goal, I’m proud of them because they have a kind spirit, a compassionate heart, a love for others.

And then I think about the flip side. If my children believe I will be proud of them for what they do, how will they feel when they don’t make the team or they fail a test or they miss the goal at the end of the game? As if those events alone are not hard enough to deal with, now I add to the pain with the absence of those precious words. If they know I’m proud of them for who they are, then when the ball goes just wide, or they realize they studied the wrong spelling unit, they will be disappointed, but they will know their mom and dad are still proud of them.

Let me be clear, we can still celebrate with them when they have worked hard and accomplished a goal. We can say things like:
“I know you worked really hard to make straight A’s this year. Congratulations!”
OR
“All those hours of practice really paid off, your solo tonight was beautiful!”
OR
“I could see you grinning from ear to ear when you scored that goal. That had to feel good.”


God loves us not for what we do, but for who we are. I want to model this to my children. I don’t want my children to feel like they have to earn my love or approval by the number of points they scored in the game or by their GPA.

It’s such a small point, but I believe it has huge implications.

More with Jayna Haney

This is a continuation of our conversation with good friend Jayna Haney, who founded The Bridge Across in 2006 to help stepfamilies and single parents:

What are some things that stepfamily parents can do when dealing with an ex-husband or ex-wife who is unwilling or uncooperative with co-parenting?

I specialize in strategies for working with difficult "ex" situations. But there are some basic steps and a plan of action that you need to use on a regular basis in terms of the way you think and act about your ex:

Expect your ex to react around the marriage.
It is normal for exes to react before or after the marriage. The maternal and paternal instincts are very strong, and many exes are very unconscious that there behavior is about their own fear and insecurity. Instead, they will always try to blame you.

Work out your angst on a daily basis.
Exercise--I like punching bags and kick-boxing best--running, yoga--but do anything on a daily basis to keep your anxiety low. When your body is tired, your emotions and your body don’t react as strongly as they would normally. Doing it daily means helping yourself in all sorts of ways--including getting those endorphins from the exercise that help with the sense of well-being.

Stay Calm when they do react.
Have some empathy for your ex and what they might be feeling. Don’t react back or escalate an issue.
When they say things like, “your wife (the new stepmom) shouldn’t come to the school play”, you can say, “she is coming because she does want to support the children and is now a part of their life. However, she is not trying to be their mom. The children love you very much, and she knows this. I know this must be strange for you (the bio Mom) but we can all work together. We respect you as their Mom".

Don’t Take things personally.
If the kids come home and say, “Dad says that we shouldn’t be watching TV at your house”, or some other complaint or comment about your parenting, the step parent, etc. Don’t get upset, just say, “Your Dad and I do things differently, but that’s okay. People often do things differently. (You could even move on to talk about how different friends have different rules at their house too. You want them to talk to you about their life everywhere, so don’t get upset. Just let them know that it might be different but it’s okay and important to respect each parent at their house.

Be the Grownup
Plan to be courteous when you do see your ex at various events – no matter what. Your kids are counting on you. If you have a difficult ex, it is even more of a reason to act without malice or rudeness. Your kids need to see one of you doing the right thing and acting the right way. In emails or phone calls, continue to be courteous and calm.

Learn to center yourself BEFORE you will see the ex at a school event, birthday party, etc.
Uncomfortable situations are part of life. Walking in late to a meeting, saying the wrong thing, etc. If you have to see your ex, center yourself by talking positively to yourself and staying calm. Exercise or work out your angst before your go. Focus on your children and how important it is to make this a positive event. Acknowledge your ex in public and around your children. Both parent and stepparent need to do this.

If you will use this plan to deal with these events, it will get easier and better. You will become a master at these events and moments (and they will stop being uncomfortable and hard for you), and your kids will be so grateful to you.


How can stepfamilies get connected to other stepfamilies?

Stepfamilies are busy, busy and busy. But they are everywhere. Look for them at the schools where your children are. Some of the larger churches in your area may have a stepfamily group. You can usually find stepfamilies at marriage workshops and events. I will be doing a stepfamily seminar in the spring that will help connect other stepfamilies.

Any advice for the additional scheduling headaches unique to stepfamilies?

Plan regularly and often.

With 4 children now between the ages of 12 and 15, we have a busy household and schedule. My husband and I sit down together at home or sometimes at dinner with both of our calendars. We go through the next 3 or 4 weeks, and discuss what each of us is doing and our kids are doing for the next few weeks including parties, church, events for school, etc. We also talk about any travel for work, what nights we have what kids, etc. My husband plans nights when he will work late, and I have alone time with my kids in the evenings. We also plan when we will have alone time together and look forward to that.

On the days and weekends when we have all our children (4 between the ages of 12 and 15), we plan out the events of the specific day the night before or the morning of. I will pick up these children, he will take care of those, we will have a family dinner at this time, etc. The purpose of constantly talking about it is to make sure we’re on the same page- not making it inflexible. With the 4 we have, our plans will also change the same day sometimes- and that’s okay. One kid will want to go to a friend at the last minute, one kid will want to go to the movies.. When this happens, we talk about it and make sure each other knows what is going on.

We make sure that each of us have time to rest during the weekend, and help each other get that time. Now that our kids are older, it is easier. When they were younger, we would have times during the weekend where we had rest time. Everyone would read, watch TV or a movie, play in their rooms, and we would take our breaks then.

This is also what we do for holidays and extended time in the summer. If you don’t do this now, then start. You can learn to do this and work together.


What has personally been the greatest encouragement to you since entering this world yourself?

Helping others who are in the same situations my husband and I were in. Hearing from them or seeing them feel better and become stronger. Also, my husband and I aren’t perfect. We certainly make mistakes with each other and our children, and don’t always make the right decision but we know how to change course with the right tools.


What is your greatest dream for stepfamilies in America?

For stepfamilies to know and understand that they are powerful in their ability to succeed as a stepfamily. They can.


Thanks again, Jayna, for all that you do! For more information about The Bridge Across, go to http://www.thebridgeacross.com/

A Discussion About Stepfamilies and Single Parenting with Jayna Haney

Writer, speaker, educator and coach, Jayna Haney works with single parents and stepfamilies to create satisfying lives and healthy families with programs, strategies and tools designed especially for them. She is passionate about her work--having been both a single parent and part of a stepfamily. She and her husband, Mike, have been married for 7 years. They live in Houston and have a lot of fun with their four kids, ages 12-15. Here is an excerpt from a recent discussion with Jayna:

Jayna, what led you to starting The Bridge Across for Stepfamilies and Single Parent Families?

My experience as both a single parent and in a stepfamily has been scary, overwhelming and a time where I lacked resources. I kept wishing for a “guide”, someone who had been there before me and could tell me what to do about so many things. Since I couldn’t find it, I began to do my own search and research for what I should know, and what really worked. I talked with therapists and experts. I read tons of books on every subject. There just are not many resources out there specifically for single parents or stepfamilies… and very few written by people who have actually lived that life, and intimately know how challenging it can be.

My husband and I were both single parents. When we married in 2001, we began to work with single parents at our church as single parents leaders, and got to meet some terrific people who needed help and guidance (just like we did starting out as single parents). In 2004, I started a support group with stepfamilies, and corresponded and talked with dozens of stepfamilies who needed help in a wide range of problems. And in 2006, I started The Bridge Across to provide practical skills, tools and strategies to help single parents and stepfamilies. I have talked and worked with hundreds of single parents and stepfamilies. They each have their own unique set of issues and problems, but they are all amazing in their desire to figure out what works for themselves and their families. The Bridge Across has been a long time coming, and incredibly rewarding.


Stepfamilies have so many unique, even difficult challenges. How do you help families view them as invaluable learning opportunities?

It’s worth the work!

Every person in this life walks different paths and has to learn different skills for that path. When you were a kid, you had to learn how to take care of yourself--dressing, eating, brushing your teeth, going to school, doing your homework, studying for tests, making new friends, getting along with your family, solving problems, getting a job, taking time to play and sleep, etc. When you went to college, you had to learn more about how to study for finals, create your own schedule, do your own laundry, cook, and have relationships with others--both friends and people you would date. In stepfamily life, it is the same. There are skills you need to learn for this kind of family, and strategies that you can use to make it so much easier! So, the quicker you see the conflict and challenges--NOT as some terrible thing BUT as a sign that change is needed--the quicker you can learn the skills and strategies to solve your families’ issues.

But the best part of all is that once you make the changes and learn the techniques--even though it can be terribly hard at times to do that--it is immensely rewarding. Once you’ve made a few changes, and your life gets better, then you realize that you can make any change you decide to. That is very powerful for stepfamily couples. The knowledge and the ability makes you more powerful than you know. And then, you end up using those new skills in other areas--in parenting, at your job and with other areas of your life that cause you problems. Learning and growing in a stepfamily can make your whole life better. It’s worth the work!


What is the single most common mistake you see new stepfamilies make?

Their expectations are too high.

Even when they think their expectations are low and reasonable (just like my husband and I thought), those expectations are still too high. Stepparents read books, they do pre-marital counseling with a church or therapist, and so they think they know exactly what will happen. That's not always the case.

Even if everyone is getting along well before the marriage, there will still be changes after the wedding. The newly married couple may be very happy, but the children are struggling (regardless of age--even adult kids) to manage their feelings about their biological parents and new stepparents. Children take much longer to figure all this out. Couples have to give their kids time to do that. They also have to give their "ex" time to adjust, and deal with their feelings of being replaced or, perhaps, other feelings of insecurity. Do this by not reacting and staying calm regardless of what your "ex" does. If you can, avoid escalation with the ex.

If you can be realistic that these things will happen, then they will not cause you nearly so much turmoil if they do. If they don’t happen, then it's a relief. But in any case, lower expectations in the years of stepparenting keeps you from feeling not nearly so frustrated, angry and upset as you might normally be.

We are proud to partner with Jayna and The Bridge Across to help support the unique challenges of stepfamilies and single parenting. We will continue this interview in a later post. For more information about The Bridge Across, go to www.thebridgeacross.com

Olympic Inspiration

With the Olympics starting I’m thinking of all the training, discipline, effort and excitement for the athletes from around the globe. For some this will be the last big event in there athletic careers and they are pushing themselves hard to finish strong. As parents, we have some “olympic” events – high school graduation, college graduation, weddings - and some times we push ourselves (and our children) to finish strong. But today, I am looking at the last few weeks of summer and I want to push myself to finish strong even in the small day-to-day events! To me that looks like meaningful encounters with the kids, keeping our summer responsibilities on track, looking at our summer goals and assessing our progress, and, of coarse, squeezing in some last minute family fun!

It is easy for me to get a little cranky and even a little lazy about this time of year. I’m torn; part of me is resisting the busyness of school, sports and all that it brings. But another part of me is craving a little more structure and routine. Some days I feel like an Olympic athlete putting in long hours of strenuous training. Today, I choose to focus on the goal – to raise well adjusted, Christ loving, self reliant adults. Getting there takes a great deal of discipline on my part. It takes many days of consistent training. I will watch the Olympics and see the many well trained athletes experience the fruit of their efforts. I will let the Olympics be my reminder to keep training….to keep intentionally parenting my children….to finish strong every day!

Learning From Those Without Parents

Last month, our teenager daughter, Sarah, went with an adult mission group overseas to Uganda to serve and also learn from abandoned and orphaned children who have found refuge at the Lulwanda Children's Home. She served as worship leader for the team.
To say the least, it was certainly a life-changing experience for Sarah. But her stories have continued to impact us (her parents and brother), too, at home. I recently interviewed her for a Purely Parenting blog post about her experience in Africa:


Sarah, you knew that going to Uganda would be quite an adventure. What drew you particularly to the many abandoned and orphaned children at Lulwanda?

Well, the “adventurous” aspect of the experience was very appealing, for sure. I live for those kinds of experiences. As far as these children go, I had been aware of Lulwanda for about a year and a half and had always felt drawn to them somehow. They are beautiful, beautiful children, obviously, so when I received pictures of them after working for various fundraisers, I would tape those beautiful pictures to my bedroom door. Consequently, I had been looking at these kids’ smiling faces every day for more than a year. Aside from that, I had always felt called to Africa--I just didn’t know why. So you can imagine my ecstasy when I learned about a trip to Lulwanda. I knew God had some secret for me in Uganda, and I was determined for Him to reveal it to me--which He did, through the kids.


You had prepared for this trip for a few months. Still, what things surprised you right off the bat upon first meeting the kids?
When I first arrived at Lulwanda, I expected that I would have to approach the children and introduce myself. I was used to the five year olds back I had met back home who play the “shy role” and have to warm up to you first. However, I was not at Lulwanda for five minutes before I had been hugged by 90 adoring children, the most hospitable and generous beings I have ever encountered. Though once bombarded by grief and abandonment, my kids at Lulwanda show no signs of pain. Their joy is in the Lord alone. I was very surprised that I could sit with a group of 4 year olds and do NOTHING with them, yet they were still entertained! No electronics, no games--just the simplicity of life and satisfying fellowship. I would see a 3-year-old baby named Sarah sit in church for 4 hours without even stirring. Also, most Ugandan children kneel to you when they meet you, a very humbling experience. Their respect and selflessness is incomparable and inspiring to all who witness it.


What did you learn from laughing with them and spending quality time with them?
Prior to my trip, I was guilty of constructing my prayers for the general “cause of Africa.” Though I knew many of these kids’ names and even their faces, I did not have a personal relationship with them; I didn’t previously know the sound of Gift’s laugh (a precious young girl) or that David Lucky (a beautiful boy) would be obsessed with my camera. Now, those kids in Africa have become "my" kids. I now look back at the prayers I prayed before I left for Uganda and try to imagine what I thought I was praying for. I now understand why God is so adamant that we have a personal relationship with Him--that we have to strive to remain in prayer, to grow in Him daily. Without that level of intimacy with Him, there is no claiming His passion as mine.
More personally, I learned about myself by spending time with these kids--that I am more in touch with my own desires than God’s--and that hinders my living “life to the full.” My heart is still with those children--Wycliffe, Grace Faith, Siraji, and all 90 Lulwanda kids; and it’s beating for the God that we serve together.


How does the kids’ faith in Christ impact their lives?
To put it simply, their faith gives them freedom--freedom from death, freedom for grief, freedom from fear, freedom from loneliness--all of this is found in their deeply-rooted faith in Jesus Christ. No one else could turn such mourning into such wild dancing--such beautiful songs. Their sadness of being abandoned has gone because God has held onto His children and the Lulwanda children have clung to His promises.


Have you absorbed anything from this experience so far that might affect your own parenting one day?
I have learned that you can give your child all the opportunities in the world, all the money, fancy things, and even memories. However, children are far more simplistic, by nature, than Americans allow them to be. They require Jesus; they require love. For this reason, a check sent to Kenya or Zambia will feed a child, and yes, that is important. But what really impacts these kids is that you hold them and kiss the top of their head, that you know them by name. I can honestly say I adore my kids at Lulwanda more than anything in the world and would do anything for them; and in that statement I receive God’s little secret--that’s how He feels about me.


How can families help the effort at Lulwanda Children’s home? What would you like to see happen?
Go to http://www.ugandaorphans.org/ and pray to see if God wants you to sponsor a child at Lulwanda. More importantly, I would ask that every family would make an effort to cover these kids in prayer, not just Lulwanda kids, but all kids in need--not just for the “cause of Africa” but because these children are God’s children and, thus, your brothers and sisters. They are honestly the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen and they deserve your time and prayers. It is a mighty prayer to pray for every child in Africa. But we serve a mighty God, and I believe with all that I am that He has never taken His eyes off of one child in Africa and He never will.
I would like for people in America to learn from our brothers and sisters in Uganda, to understand what life can be like when it is grounded in God’s desires and not our own. My life, my heart, my goals, everything has been changed in one summer. God works fast. I know that my service in Uganda is far from over; and more importantly I know that the Kingdom of God has room for every child in Africa, because with God, there are no orphans.

Note from Brett: As parents, we have prayed for our two children since Kellie was first pregnant with each of them. However, it may be possible that we have never prayed with as much ongoing intensity for Sarah as we did when she was on the other side of the world in Uganda. In fact, for two weeks, we were on "Uganda time" here in Houston, praying and wondering how things were going for our Sarah, the missionary group, and the children at Lulwanda. Needless to say, God moved so mightily through this experience--even for our own family in so many unexpected ways. We, too, have fallen in love with Sarah's "kids". We couldn't be more grateful to the Lord for the transformational impact on each of us so far as a result of trusting Him....and how this trip will continue to influence our family in the future.

Ban on Hugging?

Have you heard the news story about the school district in Oregon that banned hugging? You might think this came about as a result of "public displays of affection" (PDAs) or the sexual promiscuity in teens…..WRONG!

A thirteen year old girl wrote letters to the school board stating how important hugging is for middle school girls. This is girls hugging girls as a show of affection and acceptance. Having two middle school girls myself, I can tell you that girls hug and hug and hug! It is part of being that age, it's that developmental stage and place in life. Hugging is one of the many ways they communicate. Frankly, in this day and age of communicating with technology, I am thrilled my kids still hug and share their affections for each other when they are not in front of a screen (IM, texting, blogging, myspace……).

As I was listening to a news report on this story, I was SHOCKED to hear the reason for the ban on hugging. Hugging was banned because it was causing “excessive tardiness.” I must admit I rolled my eyes and said out loud, “You have got to be kidding!” Yes, I was actually talking to my television set. The “excessive tardiness” was caused by teachers' and/or administrators' lack of enforcement of simple rules already in place for tardiness. If 1 tardy gets you a warning, 2 tardies drop your conduct grade and 3 tardies result in detention….then….enforcement of the stated tardy rules would surely control the hugging problem!

In a similar way, as parents, we have to take that painful look in the mirror and ask ourselves where we are blaming our children’s behavior for our frustration--when really it is our lack of enforcement that is the cause. When I catch myself saying, “ I have told you three times to pick up your shoes…..” I know I am really the one to blame for my escalating frustration. Instead, I can say one time, “You may pick up your shoes or I will put them in the Goodwill bag (you can buy the next pair)” or “ I charge $5 per pair of shoes that I pick up and I will start charging in five minutes. In other words, the more creative I am the more effective it is!

We must really think about the way we talk to our children, what are family standards are, and how we follow through in reinforcing those standards. If we do our part, we can avoid “excessive tardiness” and still allow our kids to hug….in moderation!

I Just Want My Child To Be Happy

While on vacation, I finally finished a book that was recommended to me several years ago. It is a book entitled The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel, Ph.D. It's one of the best parenting books I've ever read, and I intend to pull it off the shelf in the future for an annual re-read. It has so many great concepts in it, I've decided to blog about a few of them. One of the topics is the arena of chores and our children's happiness. This is a struggle we parents have in a postmodern world.

A couple of years ago, a dear friend of mine was talking about his children and lamenting about how often he hears parents say the phrase "I just want my child to be happy". He remarked that he wanted far more for his children than just happiness. After all, happiness is a fleeting thing, is it not? I felt inspired as he went on, saying he wanted his children to also be productive, compassionate, good citizens, hard working, and successful in their relationships. That moment I realized I wanted the same thing for my kids, but hadn't known how to articulate it. The book I've just finished comments on this very thing. Here is an excerpt from the book ...

"According to psychologists Donald Akutagawa and Terry Whitman, 'Humans are the only creatures that devote energy to making their offspring "happy". The rest of the animal kingdom is devoted to fostering competence to survive in the world.' Children deserve more than our love and devotion. They deserve to be taught how to fend for themselves and eventually contribute to society. Seen this way, chores are not extracurricular activities, they are the basics. When your children realize you are serious about them, they will get serious about them, too."

I love that. I realized that day, as my friend was talking, that if my children are all the things I desire for them, they most likely will be happy. Hopefully, the kind of "happy" that lasts.

Visiting With Sara Kuhn

This is an interview with Sara Kuhn who will be sharing blog duties with us on this blogsite, Purely Parenting. She and her husband Eric are both board members of Home Encouragement. They are super friends of ours, wonderfully godly people and loving parents. The Kuhns have been married for fifteen years and have four children (two girls, two boys) ages 13, 12, 10 and 8--so you know they have to manage their time wisely!
Eric and Sara met at church and, like us, have lived their entire married lives in Houston. They share our passion for healthy marriages and strong families and it is a pleasure to speak on this post with Sara about parenting:

Sara, why are you so passionate about parenting? I guess with four kids, it should be obvious, right?
I am passionate about parenting because it is vital to the future of our families and our nation. I also know that if I was not intentional about my parenting, our family would be living in pure chaos at this point in our lives!! I am also passionate about teaching about parenting because I know one day my children will get married and I hope there is a large pool of fully functioning adults to choose from! For many people, engineering or decorating or accounting seems so easy and logical. For me, it's parenting.

For many, these days, having four kids is considered raising a large family. Did you and Eric talk about having four kids before getting married?
We were planning on six when we got married! After four children in five years we decided to go with what we had!

What are the extra challenges of running a larger household?
I think it is management. There are a lot of schedules to juggle and only two drivers so far. I think I should invent a flowcharting program specifically for family logistics!! It is hard to get one-on-one time with everybody, but we continually make the effort.

How do you balance giving your kids necessary discipline yet giving them the affirmation, and love they need?
Our kids really understand that when we discipline it is about us teaching them. We talk a lot about why they need to learn the lesson we are working on. They don’t think we are making them clean their room or sort the laundry or go back and re-clean the bathroom as a punishment. They know we are teaching them life skills and character traits that will serve them well in life. They see other kids who are not being taught and they are thankful.

Just like us (The Hursts), you and Eric both like the helpful parenting information from our friends at Parenting By Design. What are your upcoming plans for working with that excellent material in the Houston area?
We hope to teach this summer on Wednesday nights at MDPC. In the fall we would like to teach it several times during the week so we can accommodate the parents' schedules. We are hoping for Sunday mornings, Wednesday nights and maybe even a weekday during the day! Long-term I’d like to find opportunities to teach outside the church walls. We have a team of teachers ready to step in when the opportunities arise. The information from Parenting By Design is powerful, applicable and in a format that is easily ingested!

What is the number one thing you want to get across to young parents?
Wow, it is hard to think of just one thing….

I would say to parent with the end game in mind and see your children as capable--if you see them as capable they will see themselves that way as well. If you really think about these ideas when you parent, it influences how you interact with your children and what you teach them. Someone once told me, “if you are doing for your child what they are capable of doing for themselves, you are not really helping them.” Above all, love your child for the child they are. Don’t confuse love with “doing” for them.

Thanks, Sara and Eric for the example you guys set with your lives. It is a great pleasure serving others alongside both of you! And we support your effort to expand that pool of future fully functioning adults!

Trading Up - Control for Influence

Trading Up – Control for Influence

Have you heard of the craze of trading up? Our youth group plays it from time to time. They give several groups of kids a paper clip and send them out in the neighborhood. The kids ask people to trade them something for the paper clip. Then they keep trading until time is up. They have come back with Little Tykes houses, TVs and a variety of other random items. Well, the craze in my house is a trading of control for influence. I first heard the phrase listening to a Parenting by Design CD. The phrase jumped out at me! What a great idea! I have given it a lot of thought and I see it as a three-way trade.

The first trade is the trading of perceived control for actual influence. We can trade what we think we have control over for what we can influence. As our kids grow up we have less and less control, so I am trying to go with influence. When we try to control, we end up in a power struggle with our children….not fun! When we try influence we let our example speak for itself and talk about issues away from the heat of the moment.

In case you are feeling a little uneasy with the idea of giving up control, I have great news! We do get to control something…..US! This is the second part of the trade. We give up controlling our kids for controlling our own words, responses and behavior (for me this a full time job). A key skill here is to stop telling our kids what they will do and start telling our kids what we will do. We trade “Clean up your room, now!” for “I am willing to take you to the sleepover when your room is clean.” We just say it once and then stop talking (that might be the hardest part of all!).

The third part of the trade is the payoff. When we choose control, we put the focus on the task at hand or the desired results. When we choose influence, we put the focus on the relationship with the child. When we choose control, we send the message that the result is more important to us than the child. When we control ourselves and choose influence, we teach self-control to our kids (a GREAT life lesson) AND we send the message that the relationship is what is important!

So, give the trade a try - influence your kids and control yourself!

Teen Stress

Stress is a normal part of life. And it's certainly a very typical part of our teenager's lives. Yet, when our children's stress response system is not adequately managed, it can lead to damaging consequences, such as lowering the immune system, intense mood changes, poor concentration and decision making and in many cases, depression, sometimes severe.


Depression in teens has doubled in the past 10 years. Forty years ago, the average age of onset for depression in America was 30; now it is 14.5. Meanwhile, puberty is starting younger and younger while adolescence today is extending longer and longer. Through all of these factors, it is estimated that 50% of teens who are depressed have overactivity of the stress hormone system. It's up to adults to be sensitive to the warning signs with teens. Parents, coaches, youth leaders and Christian counselors have a tremendous opportunity to be a great help in helping teenagers navigate through these tough stretches.


But an even greater support strength exists. According to Dr. Catherine Hart Webber, adjunct professor of Fuller Theological Seminary and author of many books such as Is Your Teen Stressed or Depressed?, a study of 3300 teens found that those who attend religious services, read the Bible, and pray feel less sad or depressed, less alone, less misunderstood and guilty, and more cared for than their non-religious peers. Without question, a Christian environment can create a safe place of caring love for students that gives them a hopeful perspective and optimism for the future.


I often lean myself on the scripture from Isaiah 26:3 that says "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." That's a verse I could have really used many times myself in high school. The love of Christ can stabilize anyone. Get involved in your teen's lives. Take time to listen to their struggles. Encourage them towards the comforting truth of God's Word. The ultimate dividend could be receiving peace of mind.

The Risk of Rescuing

My husband watches the 25 - 30 middle school kids in our front yard load the school bus and he has a tightening in his chest. He remembers how hard middle school was for him and he wonders if it is hard for some of these kids. As parents, it is difficult to see our children uncomfortable or in pain. Sometimes it reminds us of pains and discomforts from our own childhood. As a result, we sometimes feel compelled to "rescue" our children. We don't want them to suffer the natural consequences of their actions so we intervene to alleviate their pain. It seems like such a grace-filled and loving thing to do....right?

Wrong! The risk of rescuing is that we give up the opportunity for our children to learn and grow. If they forget their homework and get a lower grade for turning it in late (or even worse get a zero), they learn quickly that it is important to remember to put their homework in a place where it will end up at school with them. This is a big life lesson!! The boss is not going to say, "It is okay that you didn't bring the presentation for the meeting today, just bring it in tomorrow."

Isn’t it really a more grace-filled and loving approach to say to yourself, “This is a great chance to teach my child responsibility. I know it will benefit him later in life.” Then you can say to your child, “I can see you are upset that you got a zero on your math homework. I know you really worked hard on it. It’s a bummer to work so hard and then get a zero.” You could leave it there or ask them if there is something they will do differently next time. Either way, you are teaching them they have control of situation and that you are not angry with them but empathetic to their situation. You help them develop their sense of responsibility while you also develop your relationship with them. It is a win, win!

WARNING! The first few times your child may become angry at you for their poor decision making. It is key to remain calm and help them put language on their feelings. “Wow, you seem really mad!” “I can see you are frustrated.” The relationship building will be lost if we start the lecture, “Well, you forgot your homework and you got the zero and that is what happens when you leave your papers all over the house….”

The risk of rescuing is that we raise children (who later become adults) who:
do not take responsibility for their actions,
do not see the connection between the cause and effect of their own actions and
believe other should rescue them from themselves.

Our adult children will be grateful to us not for bringing their homework to school when they were eleven, but for teaching them how to be responsible for themselves and to function in society.

For Better or Worse

Yesterday morning, on a Saturday, I got up at 4:30 a.m. to drive my teenage daughter, Sarah, to the airport to watch her depart to New York City for a mission trip with our church and YWAM (Youth With a Mission). Ordinarily, I would have been glad, even honored, to drive her to the airport for something so important. But, yesterday morning, I had a fever, chills, and a very bad stomach virus. I was absolutely miserable. Meanwhile, my wife was out of town so I didn't have any other choice but to drive Sarah myself. But so what? That's just one example of many, many things that parents do (or should do) once they become parents. It comes with the territory. Just another day in parenthood.


I often lament the fact that so many Americans go into marriage and parenting unprepared. At least with marriage, for the most part, couples in our culture that marry choose to get married (after all, shotgun weddings and arranged marriages don't happen much anymore). And in most weddings, future spouses still make vows today to stay together "for better or worse"-- for the rest of their lives. But that's not always the case with first-time parents. New parents, on the other hand, usually don't make any kind of verbal commitment to their kids--not even in those first emotional moments when they first realize that they are, indeed, parents.


Every experienced parent knows that parenting is challenging business. Life is full of suffering and hardships. Sometimes, we are thrown curve balls in our families that we were not expecting. Health problems, financial stresses, tragedy, perhaps a failed marriage. Meanwhile, our kids can also let us down with their own choices. After all, they are kids and they are busy learning how to navigate life themselves. And there are times when our children may not be willing at all to cooperate with us. With all this, we ourselves may feel like we are not up to the challenges of parenting--that being a parent is far more than we bargained for and too overwhelming a proposition.



But no matter the obstacles, no matter how difficult the challenges of parenting are, we can be the moms and dads that God has called us to be to our kids. My favorite scripture for many years has been 1 Timothy 1:7 which says that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." There are times where we as parents may feel like we don't have the right stuff--that we can't endure one more hardship with our kids. We may be convinced that we don't have the physical or emotional strength to do what we need to do to be strong examples of love for our children. And we're right, in our own strength, we don't have what it takes. But God, if we ask Him, will give us all the power we need to be strong, the love we need to build that intimate relationship with our kids, and He will also give us clear thinking to stay on track--no matter the circumstance. By His grace and strength, we can do whatever we need to do to be faithful parents to our children.



You may have never consciously taken a vow to your child to be a loving, longsuffering, and responsible parent, "for better or worse". But it's a promise that God can miraculously help you keep--giving you whatever you need to keep it. After all, as hard as it may be to fathom, the Lord loves your own children more than you do! He's not going to let you down. God will be there with you to carry you through--for better or worse.

A Tribute to My Dad

My dad, Hank Hurst, a great and brilliant man, passed away a week ago due to illness from Parkinson's disease and dimentia. After years of amazing health and virile stature, he fought a tough fight with harsh diseases in the final years of his life. The Lord mercifully took my dad to be with Him in Heaven last Sunday morning. Meanwhile, my family and I celebrated his life with two beautiful services yesterday.

Dad's real name was Earnest Henry Hurst (yes, that's how his parents spelled his first name). As his oldest son, I asked him as a kid why he didn't name me "Earnest Henry Hurst, Junior." His answer to me was, "Because I loved you too much!" He hated his given name--he much preferred "Hank".

Dad was a Texan through and through. He was born in the hard country of West Texas in a little town outside Lubbock called O'Donnell (hometown of Bonanza's Dan Blocker). However, apparently, O'Donnell wasn't hard enough country. His family soon moved to another small town called Monument, New Mexico, where my dad was raised in an even harder environment.

Monument was a dry, desolate place. I remember visiting my grandparents when I was a kid and immediately visiting their old water cooler about 18 times within the first half hour. There wasn't much in Monument but lots of hard, cracked ground and miles and miles of miles and miles. Laying awake in their un-air conditioned house at night, I could hear the sounds of the occasional lonely car approaching every couple of hours or so. It always seemed like it took two hours for the car to get near our house before it would then pass by and then take another two hours to drive away down the abandoned highway.

Growing up poor in Monument in some hard family circumstances made my father tough, resilient, courageous; willing to try just about anything to succeed. Dad was a talented athlete, who lettered in many sports but was particularly gifted in basketball and tennis. Nevertheless, he "got out of Dodge" early at 16, and went on to eventually conquer the business world through all kinds of different endeavors. His primary business was as a general contractor in the construction business for many years in the Golden Triangle area of Southeast Texas. Dad and his company both made a significant impact on that community. He was a civic-minded man who was a leader in many arenas. Meanwhile, he enjoyed many professional moments of success and was well-known and well-loved by many.

But his greatest successes in this world were pretty simple. First of all, Hank was the patriarch to a large vibrant family. He married a great, brilliant woman in the person of my mom. He was the father to six kids, 15 grandkids and he also mentored many more people who were dependent on his wise leadership, sensitive compassion and loyal generosity. All of his children thought he was Superman and could do no wrong. Our friends told us the same thing. However, my dad remained a humble man. We didn't always know how important Dad was. We were too busy spending time with him, usually at the lake. Still, the fact remains that many people were discreetly supported and positively inspired by my Dad's life.

Secondly, Dad's other greatest success in life became poignantly evident again yesterday. As we laid his tired, worn-out body to rest, we could celebrate the reality that my father had already gone to be with Jesus earlier in the week. Fortunately, Dad had come to depend on scripture as the anchor of his life. As a result, he trusted Christ as his Savior. This was a very good thing and a great relief to his family.

It was a great thing because it turned out Hank Hurst wasn't perfect after all. It turned out that he wasn't invincible like we all thought he was. But he was smart! He put his faith in Jesus. Dad believed the disciple John who quoted Jesus when He said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to Father except through me." Dad grew to faithfully read his Bible, his bedside devotional books, and he listened frequently to folks like John Bisagno, Charles Stanley, Chuck Swindoll, Claude Payne and Dave Peterson, all who helped shape and nurture his faith.

Because of my Dad's tough childhood, he particularly hungered for the peace that God gives--peace which passes understanding. And he received that peace whenever he would spend quiet time with God. Little by little, the Lord began to give him a new heart. In fact, when my dad would pray out loud, this titan of a man would pray some of the most gentle, sweet and peaceful prayers. And I remember when Dad gradually stopped trying to do things to win God's acceptance--thinking that he had to earn the Lord's approval somehow. Things began to change in earnest when my father just believed God's truth with simple faith.

I will miss my dad in the same way that I have missed my mom, who passed away from cancer almost 23 years ago. I'm grateful for their loving support and impactful influence on my life (and thereby my wife and children's lives). And I'm particularly thankful that my parents both broke the chain of powerful family dysfunction as they consciously or unconsciously made the decision to raise a warm, loving family. We are all still reaping the benefits of their choices.