Houston's First-Ever Father Daughter Summit

The special bond between a dad and his daughter can be one of the most powerful influences on a young woman and her future, positively affecting her ability to achieve healthier relationships, particularly a future marriage or family of her own. Home Encouragement is proud to be a co-sponsor of Houston's first-ever Father Daughter Summit on Saturday, April 18th.

Every fathering situation is unique, but your investment of one day at the Father Daughter Summit will strengthen your relationship with your daughter and enhance your family. It will communicate the message that your daughter is valued and vital to your life. Simply put, the Summit experience will be one of the best gifts you can ever give her.

Houston Astros All-Star first baseman Lance Berkman is honorary chairman of the event. Click here for more information and registration. Dads, don't miss this special opportunity to connect with your beautiful daughter.

Celebrity Narcissim: A Bad Reflection For Our Kids

Here's a recent USA Today article that is a must-read for parents. Kellie and I really enjoy Drew Pinsky, the author interviewed in this article, and think he has tremendous insight regarding a very powerful influence on our children.

Hope you're enjoying Spring Break!

Tech-Savvy Generation

I just finished reading a great book for parents called Logged On and Tuned Out by Vicki Courtney. It's a great asset for parents whose kids (particularly teens) are part of the very tech-savvy generation. I particularly recommend it for parents who are a bit nervous (maybe even downright scared) about their kids participating in the world wide web via social networks, etc. Vicki has a great approach ... we can't completely shield our kids from all that's out there via the Internet, so our job is to teach them to be wise about their media world. She includes good conversation starters and even parent-child contracts regarding everything from cell phone use to Facebook. It's a great easy read, and one of the most truly helpful books on this particular subject I've seen. She even has a website that will keep things up to date (http://www.loggedonandtunedout.com/) since this is an ever-changing realm. I was even inspired to create my own Facebook account ... keeps me in touch with my kids' world! Enjoy the book.

I'm So Proud of You!

Last week a friend was over at the house and heard my daughter made the volleyball team in middle school. She walked over to her gave her a great big hug and said enthusiastically, “I’m so proud of you!” It was a loving, well-intentioned comment. But I started thinking about it. Why does making the volleyball team make my friend proud of my daughter?

It is important that our children know we are proud of them. But I want kids to know I’m proud of them for who they are and not for what they do. I am choosing to say those precious words away from any achievement a child may have accomplished. So when I kiss them good night and give them a hug, I can say, “I’m so proud of you!” That’s it. I’m not proud of my children because they made good grades, made the volleyball team, or scored the winning goal, I’m proud of them because they have a kind spirit, a compassionate heart, a love for others.

And then I think about the flip side. If my children believe I will be proud of them for what they do, how will they feel when they don’t make the team or they fail a test or they miss the goal at the end of the game? As if those events alone are not hard enough to deal with, now I add to the pain with the absence of those precious words. If they know I’m proud of them for who they are, then when the ball goes just wide, or they realize they studied the wrong spelling unit, they will be disappointed, but they will know their mom and dad are still proud of them.

Let me be clear, we can still celebrate with them when they have worked hard and accomplished a goal. We can say things like:
“I know you worked really hard to make straight A’s this year. Congratulations!”
OR
“All those hours of practice really paid off, your solo tonight was beautiful!”
OR
“I could see you grinning from ear to ear when you scored that goal. That had to feel good.”


God loves us not for what we do, but for who we are. I want to model this to my children. I don’t want my children to feel like they have to earn my love or approval by the number of points they scored in the game or by their GPA.

It’s such a small point, but I believe it has huge implications.

More with Jayna Haney

This is a continuation of our conversation with good friend Jayna Haney, who founded The Bridge Across in 2006 to help stepfamilies and single parents:

What are some things that stepfamily parents can do when dealing with an ex-husband or ex-wife who is unwilling or uncooperative with co-parenting?

I specialize in strategies for working with difficult "ex" situations. But there are some basic steps and a plan of action that you need to use on a regular basis in terms of the way you think and act about your ex:

Expect your ex to react around the marriage.
It is normal for exes to react before or after the marriage. The maternal and paternal instincts are very strong, and many exes are very unconscious that there behavior is about their own fear and insecurity. Instead, they will always try to blame you.

Work out your angst on a daily basis.
Exercise--I like punching bags and kick-boxing best--running, yoga--but do anything on a daily basis to keep your anxiety low. When your body is tired, your emotions and your body don’t react as strongly as they would normally. Doing it daily means helping yourself in all sorts of ways--including getting those endorphins from the exercise that help with the sense of well-being.

Stay Calm when they do react.
Have some empathy for your ex and what they might be feeling. Don’t react back or escalate an issue.
When they say things like, “your wife (the new stepmom) shouldn’t come to the school play”, you can say, “she is coming because she does want to support the children and is now a part of their life. However, she is not trying to be their mom. The children love you very much, and she knows this. I know this must be strange for you (the bio Mom) but we can all work together. We respect you as their Mom".

Don’t Take things personally.
If the kids come home and say, “Dad says that we shouldn’t be watching TV at your house”, or some other complaint or comment about your parenting, the step parent, etc. Don’t get upset, just say, “Your Dad and I do things differently, but that’s okay. People often do things differently. (You could even move on to talk about how different friends have different rules at their house too. You want them to talk to you about their life everywhere, so don’t get upset. Just let them know that it might be different but it’s okay and important to respect each parent at their house.

Be the Grownup
Plan to be courteous when you do see your ex at various events – no matter what. Your kids are counting on you. If you have a difficult ex, it is even more of a reason to act without malice or rudeness. Your kids need to see one of you doing the right thing and acting the right way. In emails or phone calls, continue to be courteous and calm.

Learn to center yourself BEFORE you will see the ex at a school event, birthday party, etc.
Uncomfortable situations are part of life. Walking in late to a meeting, saying the wrong thing, etc. If you have to see your ex, center yourself by talking positively to yourself and staying calm. Exercise or work out your angst before your go. Focus on your children and how important it is to make this a positive event. Acknowledge your ex in public and around your children. Both parent and stepparent need to do this.

If you will use this plan to deal with these events, it will get easier and better. You will become a master at these events and moments (and they will stop being uncomfortable and hard for you), and your kids will be so grateful to you.


How can stepfamilies get connected to other stepfamilies?

Stepfamilies are busy, busy and busy. But they are everywhere. Look for them at the schools where your children are. Some of the larger churches in your area may have a stepfamily group. You can usually find stepfamilies at marriage workshops and events. I will be doing a stepfamily seminar in the spring that will help connect other stepfamilies.

Any advice for the additional scheduling headaches unique to stepfamilies?

Plan regularly and often.

With 4 children now between the ages of 12 and 15, we have a busy household and schedule. My husband and I sit down together at home or sometimes at dinner with both of our calendars. We go through the next 3 or 4 weeks, and discuss what each of us is doing and our kids are doing for the next few weeks including parties, church, events for school, etc. We also talk about any travel for work, what nights we have what kids, etc. My husband plans nights when he will work late, and I have alone time with my kids in the evenings. We also plan when we will have alone time together and look forward to that.

On the days and weekends when we have all our children (4 between the ages of 12 and 15), we plan out the events of the specific day the night before or the morning of. I will pick up these children, he will take care of those, we will have a family dinner at this time, etc. The purpose of constantly talking about it is to make sure we’re on the same page- not making it inflexible. With the 4 we have, our plans will also change the same day sometimes- and that’s okay. One kid will want to go to a friend at the last minute, one kid will want to go to the movies.. When this happens, we talk about it and make sure each other knows what is going on.

We make sure that each of us have time to rest during the weekend, and help each other get that time. Now that our kids are older, it is easier. When they were younger, we would have times during the weekend where we had rest time. Everyone would read, watch TV or a movie, play in their rooms, and we would take our breaks then.

This is also what we do for holidays and extended time in the summer. If you don’t do this now, then start. You can learn to do this and work together.


What has personally been the greatest encouragement to you since entering this world yourself?

Helping others who are in the same situations my husband and I were in. Hearing from them or seeing them feel better and become stronger. Also, my husband and I aren’t perfect. We certainly make mistakes with each other and our children, and don’t always make the right decision but we know how to change course with the right tools.


What is your greatest dream for stepfamilies in America?

For stepfamilies to know and understand that they are powerful in their ability to succeed as a stepfamily. They can.


Thanks again, Jayna, for all that you do! For more information about The Bridge Across, go to http://www.thebridgeacross.com/

A Discussion About Stepfamilies and Single Parenting with Jayna Haney

Writer, speaker, educator and coach, Jayna Haney works with single parents and stepfamilies to create satisfying lives and healthy families with programs, strategies and tools designed especially for them. She is passionate about her work--having been both a single parent and part of a stepfamily. She and her husband, Mike, have been married for 7 years. They live in Houston and have a lot of fun with their four kids, ages 12-15. Here is an excerpt from a recent discussion with Jayna:

Jayna, what led you to starting The Bridge Across for Stepfamilies and Single Parent Families?

My experience as both a single parent and in a stepfamily has been scary, overwhelming and a time where I lacked resources. I kept wishing for a “guide”, someone who had been there before me and could tell me what to do about so many things. Since I couldn’t find it, I began to do my own search and research for what I should know, and what really worked. I talked with therapists and experts. I read tons of books on every subject. There just are not many resources out there specifically for single parents or stepfamilies… and very few written by people who have actually lived that life, and intimately know how challenging it can be.

My husband and I were both single parents. When we married in 2001, we began to work with single parents at our church as single parents leaders, and got to meet some terrific people who needed help and guidance (just like we did starting out as single parents). In 2004, I started a support group with stepfamilies, and corresponded and talked with dozens of stepfamilies who needed help in a wide range of problems. And in 2006, I started The Bridge Across to provide practical skills, tools and strategies to help single parents and stepfamilies. I have talked and worked with hundreds of single parents and stepfamilies. They each have their own unique set of issues and problems, but they are all amazing in their desire to figure out what works for themselves and their families. The Bridge Across has been a long time coming, and incredibly rewarding.


Stepfamilies have so many unique, even difficult challenges. How do you help families view them as invaluable learning opportunities?

It’s worth the work!

Every person in this life walks different paths and has to learn different skills for that path. When you were a kid, you had to learn how to take care of yourself--dressing, eating, brushing your teeth, going to school, doing your homework, studying for tests, making new friends, getting along with your family, solving problems, getting a job, taking time to play and sleep, etc. When you went to college, you had to learn more about how to study for finals, create your own schedule, do your own laundry, cook, and have relationships with others--both friends and people you would date. In stepfamily life, it is the same. There are skills you need to learn for this kind of family, and strategies that you can use to make it so much easier! So, the quicker you see the conflict and challenges--NOT as some terrible thing BUT as a sign that change is needed--the quicker you can learn the skills and strategies to solve your families’ issues.

But the best part of all is that once you make the changes and learn the techniques--even though it can be terribly hard at times to do that--it is immensely rewarding. Once you’ve made a few changes, and your life gets better, then you realize that you can make any change you decide to. That is very powerful for stepfamily couples. The knowledge and the ability makes you more powerful than you know. And then, you end up using those new skills in other areas--in parenting, at your job and with other areas of your life that cause you problems. Learning and growing in a stepfamily can make your whole life better. It’s worth the work!


What is the single most common mistake you see new stepfamilies make?

Their expectations are too high.

Even when they think their expectations are low and reasonable (just like my husband and I thought), those expectations are still too high. Stepparents read books, they do pre-marital counseling with a church or therapist, and so they think they know exactly what will happen. That's not always the case.

Even if everyone is getting along well before the marriage, there will still be changes after the wedding. The newly married couple may be very happy, but the children are struggling (regardless of age--even adult kids) to manage their feelings about their biological parents and new stepparents. Children take much longer to figure all this out. Couples have to give their kids time to do that. They also have to give their "ex" time to adjust, and deal with their feelings of being replaced or, perhaps, other feelings of insecurity. Do this by not reacting and staying calm regardless of what your "ex" does. If you can, avoid escalation with the ex.

If you can be realistic that these things will happen, then they will not cause you nearly so much turmoil if they do. If they don’t happen, then it's a relief. But in any case, lower expectations in the years of stepparenting keeps you from feeling not nearly so frustrated, angry and upset as you might normally be.

We are proud to partner with Jayna and The Bridge Across to help support the unique challenges of stepfamilies and single parenting. We will continue this interview in a later post. For more information about The Bridge Across, go to www.thebridgeacross.com

Olympic Inspiration

With the Olympics starting I’m thinking of all the training, discipline, effort and excitement for the athletes from around the globe. For some this will be the last big event in there athletic careers and they are pushing themselves hard to finish strong. As parents, we have some “olympic” events – high school graduation, college graduation, weddings - and some times we push ourselves (and our children) to finish strong. But today, I am looking at the last few weeks of summer and I want to push myself to finish strong even in the small day-to-day events! To me that looks like meaningful encounters with the kids, keeping our summer responsibilities on track, looking at our summer goals and assessing our progress, and, of coarse, squeezing in some last minute family fun!

It is easy for me to get a little cranky and even a little lazy about this time of year. I’m torn; part of me is resisting the busyness of school, sports and all that it brings. But another part of me is craving a little more structure and routine. Some days I feel like an Olympic athlete putting in long hours of strenuous training. Today, I choose to focus on the goal – to raise well adjusted, Christ loving, self reliant adults. Getting there takes a great deal of discipline on my part. It takes many days of consistent training. I will watch the Olympics and see the many well trained athletes experience the fruit of their efforts. I will let the Olympics be my reminder to keep training….to keep intentionally parenting my children….to finish strong every day!