Visiting With Sara Kuhn

This is an interview with Sara Kuhn who will be sharing blog duties with us on this blogsite, Purely Parenting. She and her husband Eric are both board members of Home Encouragement. They are super friends of ours, wonderfully godly people and loving parents. The Kuhns have been married for fifteen years and have four children (two girls, two boys) ages 13, 12, 10 and 8--so you know they have to manage their time wisely!
Eric and Sara met at church and, like us, have lived their entire married lives in Houston. They share our passion for healthy marriages and strong families and it is a pleasure to speak on this post with Sara about parenting:

Sara, why are you so passionate about parenting? I guess with four kids, it should be obvious, right?
I am passionate about parenting because it is vital to the future of our families and our nation. I also know that if I was not intentional about my parenting, our family would be living in pure chaos at this point in our lives!! I am also passionate about teaching about parenting because I know one day my children will get married and I hope there is a large pool of fully functioning adults to choose from! For many people, engineering or decorating or accounting seems so easy and logical. For me, it's parenting.

For many, these days, having four kids is considered raising a large family. Did you and Eric talk about having four kids before getting married?
We were planning on six when we got married! After four children in five years we decided to go with what we had!

What are the extra challenges of running a larger household?
I think it is management. There are a lot of schedules to juggle and only two drivers so far. I think I should invent a flowcharting program specifically for family logistics!! It is hard to get one-on-one time with everybody, but we continually make the effort.

How do you balance giving your kids necessary discipline yet giving them the affirmation, and love they need?
Our kids really understand that when we discipline it is about us teaching them. We talk a lot about why they need to learn the lesson we are working on. They don’t think we are making them clean their room or sort the laundry or go back and re-clean the bathroom as a punishment. They know we are teaching them life skills and character traits that will serve them well in life. They see other kids who are not being taught and they are thankful.

Just like us (The Hursts), you and Eric both like the helpful parenting information from our friends at Parenting By Design. What are your upcoming plans for working with that excellent material in the Houston area?
We hope to teach this summer on Wednesday nights at MDPC. In the fall we would like to teach it several times during the week so we can accommodate the parents' schedules. We are hoping for Sunday mornings, Wednesday nights and maybe even a weekday during the day! Long-term I’d like to find opportunities to teach outside the church walls. We have a team of teachers ready to step in when the opportunities arise. The information from Parenting By Design is powerful, applicable and in a format that is easily ingested!

What is the number one thing you want to get across to young parents?
Wow, it is hard to think of just one thing….

I would say to parent with the end game in mind and see your children as capable--if you see them as capable they will see themselves that way as well. If you really think about these ideas when you parent, it influences how you interact with your children and what you teach them. Someone once told me, “if you are doing for your child what they are capable of doing for themselves, you are not really helping them.” Above all, love your child for the child they are. Don’t confuse love with “doing” for them.

Thanks, Sara and Eric for the example you guys set with your lives. It is a great pleasure serving others alongside both of you! And we support your effort to expand that pool of future fully functioning adults!

Trading Up - Control for Influence

Trading Up – Control for Influence

Have you heard of the craze of trading up? Our youth group plays it from time to time. They give several groups of kids a paper clip and send them out in the neighborhood. The kids ask people to trade them something for the paper clip. Then they keep trading until time is up. They have come back with Little Tykes houses, TVs and a variety of other random items. Well, the craze in my house is a trading of control for influence. I first heard the phrase listening to a Parenting by Design CD. The phrase jumped out at me! What a great idea! I have given it a lot of thought and I see it as a three-way trade.

The first trade is the trading of perceived control for actual influence. We can trade what we think we have control over for what we can influence. As our kids grow up we have less and less control, so I am trying to go with influence. When we try to control, we end up in a power struggle with our children….not fun! When we try influence we let our example speak for itself and talk about issues away from the heat of the moment.

In case you are feeling a little uneasy with the idea of giving up control, I have great news! We do get to control something…..US! This is the second part of the trade. We give up controlling our kids for controlling our own words, responses and behavior (for me this a full time job). A key skill here is to stop telling our kids what they will do and start telling our kids what we will do. We trade “Clean up your room, now!” for “I am willing to take you to the sleepover when your room is clean.” We just say it once and then stop talking (that might be the hardest part of all!).

The third part of the trade is the payoff. When we choose control, we put the focus on the task at hand or the desired results. When we choose influence, we put the focus on the relationship with the child. When we choose control, we send the message that the result is more important to us than the child. When we control ourselves and choose influence, we teach self-control to our kids (a GREAT life lesson) AND we send the message that the relationship is what is important!

So, give the trade a try - influence your kids and control yourself!

Teen Stress

Stress is a normal part of life. And it's certainly a very typical part of our teenager's lives. Yet, when our children's stress response system is not adequately managed, it can lead to damaging consequences, such as lowering the immune system, intense mood changes, poor concentration and decision making and in many cases, depression, sometimes severe.


Depression in teens has doubled in the past 10 years. Forty years ago, the average age of onset for depression in America was 30; now it is 14.5. Meanwhile, puberty is starting younger and younger while adolescence today is extending longer and longer. Through all of these factors, it is estimated that 50% of teens who are depressed have overactivity of the stress hormone system. It's up to adults to be sensitive to the warning signs with teens. Parents, coaches, youth leaders and Christian counselors have a tremendous opportunity to be a great help in helping teenagers navigate through these tough stretches.


But an even greater support strength exists. According to Dr. Catherine Hart Webber, adjunct professor of Fuller Theological Seminary and author of many books such as Is Your Teen Stressed or Depressed?, a study of 3300 teens found that those who attend religious services, read the Bible, and pray feel less sad or depressed, less alone, less misunderstood and guilty, and more cared for than their non-religious peers. Without question, a Christian environment can create a safe place of caring love for students that gives them a hopeful perspective and optimism for the future.


I often lean myself on the scripture from Isaiah 26:3 that says "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." That's a verse I could have really used many times myself in high school. The love of Christ can stabilize anyone. Get involved in your teen's lives. Take time to listen to their struggles. Encourage them towards the comforting truth of God's Word. The ultimate dividend could be receiving peace of mind.

The Risk of Rescuing

My husband watches the 25 - 30 middle school kids in our front yard load the school bus and he has a tightening in his chest. He remembers how hard middle school was for him and he wonders if it is hard for some of these kids. As parents, it is difficult to see our children uncomfortable or in pain. Sometimes it reminds us of pains and discomforts from our own childhood. As a result, we sometimes feel compelled to "rescue" our children. We don't want them to suffer the natural consequences of their actions so we intervene to alleviate their pain. It seems like such a grace-filled and loving thing to do....right?

Wrong! The risk of rescuing is that we give up the opportunity for our children to learn and grow. If they forget their homework and get a lower grade for turning it in late (or even worse get a zero), they learn quickly that it is important to remember to put their homework in a place where it will end up at school with them. This is a big life lesson!! The boss is not going to say, "It is okay that you didn't bring the presentation for the meeting today, just bring it in tomorrow."

Isn’t it really a more grace-filled and loving approach to say to yourself, “This is a great chance to teach my child responsibility. I know it will benefit him later in life.” Then you can say to your child, “I can see you are upset that you got a zero on your math homework. I know you really worked hard on it. It’s a bummer to work so hard and then get a zero.” You could leave it there or ask them if there is something they will do differently next time. Either way, you are teaching them they have control of situation and that you are not angry with them but empathetic to their situation. You help them develop their sense of responsibility while you also develop your relationship with them. It is a win, win!

WARNING! The first few times your child may become angry at you for their poor decision making. It is key to remain calm and help them put language on their feelings. “Wow, you seem really mad!” “I can see you are frustrated.” The relationship building will be lost if we start the lecture, “Well, you forgot your homework and you got the zero and that is what happens when you leave your papers all over the house….”

The risk of rescuing is that we raise children (who later become adults) who:
do not take responsibility for their actions,
do not see the connection between the cause and effect of their own actions and
believe other should rescue them from themselves.

Our adult children will be grateful to us not for bringing their homework to school when they were eleven, but for teaching them how to be responsible for themselves and to function in society.