A Discussion About Stepfamilies and Single Parenting with Jayna Haney

Writer, speaker, educator and coach, Jayna Haney works with single parents and stepfamilies to create satisfying lives and healthy families with programs, strategies and tools designed especially for them. She is passionate about her work--having been both a single parent and part of a stepfamily. She and her husband, Mike, have been married for 7 years. They live in Houston and have a lot of fun with their four kids, ages 12-15. Here is an excerpt from a recent discussion with Jayna:

Jayna, what led you to starting The Bridge Across for Stepfamilies and Single Parent Families?

My experience as both a single parent and in a stepfamily has been scary, overwhelming and a time where I lacked resources. I kept wishing for a “guide”, someone who had been there before me and could tell me what to do about so many things. Since I couldn’t find it, I began to do my own search and research for what I should know, and what really worked. I talked with therapists and experts. I read tons of books on every subject. There just are not many resources out there specifically for single parents or stepfamilies… and very few written by people who have actually lived that life, and intimately know how challenging it can be.

My husband and I were both single parents. When we married in 2001, we began to work with single parents at our church as single parents leaders, and got to meet some terrific people who needed help and guidance (just like we did starting out as single parents). In 2004, I started a support group with stepfamilies, and corresponded and talked with dozens of stepfamilies who needed help in a wide range of problems. And in 2006, I started The Bridge Across to provide practical skills, tools and strategies to help single parents and stepfamilies. I have talked and worked with hundreds of single parents and stepfamilies. They each have their own unique set of issues and problems, but they are all amazing in their desire to figure out what works for themselves and their families. The Bridge Across has been a long time coming, and incredibly rewarding.


Stepfamilies have so many unique, even difficult challenges. How do you help families view them as invaluable learning opportunities?

It’s worth the work!

Every person in this life walks different paths and has to learn different skills for that path. When you were a kid, you had to learn how to take care of yourself--dressing, eating, brushing your teeth, going to school, doing your homework, studying for tests, making new friends, getting along with your family, solving problems, getting a job, taking time to play and sleep, etc. When you went to college, you had to learn more about how to study for finals, create your own schedule, do your own laundry, cook, and have relationships with others--both friends and people you would date. In stepfamily life, it is the same. There are skills you need to learn for this kind of family, and strategies that you can use to make it so much easier! So, the quicker you see the conflict and challenges--NOT as some terrible thing BUT as a sign that change is needed--the quicker you can learn the skills and strategies to solve your families’ issues.

But the best part of all is that once you make the changes and learn the techniques--even though it can be terribly hard at times to do that--it is immensely rewarding. Once you’ve made a few changes, and your life gets better, then you realize that you can make any change you decide to. That is very powerful for stepfamily couples. The knowledge and the ability makes you more powerful than you know. And then, you end up using those new skills in other areas--in parenting, at your job and with other areas of your life that cause you problems. Learning and growing in a stepfamily can make your whole life better. It’s worth the work!


What is the single most common mistake you see new stepfamilies make?

Their expectations are too high.

Even when they think their expectations are low and reasonable (just like my husband and I thought), those expectations are still too high. Stepparents read books, they do pre-marital counseling with a church or therapist, and so they think they know exactly what will happen. That's not always the case.

Even if everyone is getting along well before the marriage, there will still be changes after the wedding. The newly married couple may be very happy, but the children are struggling (regardless of age--even adult kids) to manage their feelings about their biological parents and new stepparents. Children take much longer to figure all this out. Couples have to give their kids time to do that. They also have to give their "ex" time to adjust, and deal with their feelings of being replaced or, perhaps, other feelings of insecurity. Do this by not reacting and staying calm regardless of what your "ex" does. If you can, avoid escalation with the ex.

If you can be realistic that these things will happen, then they will not cause you nearly so much turmoil if they do. If they don’t happen, then it's a relief. But in any case, lower expectations in the years of stepparenting keeps you from feeling not nearly so frustrated, angry and upset as you might normally be.

We are proud to partner with Jayna and The Bridge Across to help support the unique challenges of stepfamilies and single parenting. We will continue this interview in a later post. For more information about The Bridge Across, go to www.thebridgeacross.com