Hollywood vs. Your House

With all the recent media hype regarding Young Hollywood, I feel compelled to jot some ideas down that will hopefully encourage all of us as parents.

Now, this is not meant to trash the Hilton, the Lohan, or the Spears families ... I’m sure they are fine people. But perhaps the values and ideals that have been passed down to some of these children could help us re-evaluate our own parenting values. We live in such an excessive and over-indulgent culture; sometimes it’s easy to pass on that same mindset to our children. Like you, I’ve watched the almost endless media coverage of Young Hollywood being incarcerated, checking in and out of rehab, etc. As a result, I am strongly reminded that I want my kids to learn how to be self-sufficient, productive, and others-centered.

When I was growing up, my parents lived paycheck to paycheck for many years. I suppose we were considered an “uncomfortably middle class” family. We had a loving home, good food on the table, and one family vacation a year. But money for little luxuries wasn’t always available. I particularly recall my high school years, when Izod shirts were all the rage. I desperately wanted a pink Izod shirt … I just knew that wearing that choice apparel would give me the self-confidence I needed to navigate through high school and beyond. But we couldn't afford the iconic shirt with the little alligator on it. So in an attempt to accommodate me, my Mom bought me some knock-off shirts that had a teddy bear where the alligator should have been. I look back now and think what a sweet gesture that was … but at the time I was embarrassed. Shortly thereafter, one of my friends gave me an old navy blue Izod that she was tired of wearing. Even though it was faded, I loved wearing that shirt. Who knew that an alligator could make such a silly difference?

These days the icons and logos may be different, but just as important to our kids. Ipod, Coach, New Balance, and Burberry are a few of the coveted brand names in our house. Though paling in comparison to the brand names surely purchased in the Hilton home, it’s still all the same. Our culture tries to brand not only its logos on our brain, but also its lifestyles and values. I believe it is our responsibility as parents to steer our children to what matters in this life … whether your household income is six figures or more, or whether you’re where my family was financially while I was growing up, the things that matter never change.

Something I’ve learned along the way is that the only season of our child’s life that we can truly control and protect is the nine months they are in the womb. After that, they’re “out there” in the world. Parenting is an everyday process of letting go. Let’s give them strong roots plus healthy wings so that they may soar!

The Importance of Fathers - Part Two

This is a continuation of my interview with Rick Wertz, founder of the Faithful Fathering Initiative of Texas

Rick, in what ways do you hope to inspire fathers through FFIT?

Through Biblical truths and practical teachings in seminar and small group settings. FFIT works to encourage and equip men to grow in their walk as a father and with the Father.

What's the most important thing a father can do for his child?

Love his wife as Christ loves the church and be present in his child's life - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

What suggestions do you have for fathers to connect deeper with their children?

Have one-on-one time with the cell phones turned off; father/child retreats are also great experiences.

What about dads who have alienated their children to the point of resentment?

What can they do to reverse that trend?

Pray; seek Christian counsel; reconcile and ask for forgiveness; convey a commitment to healing the relationship; and persevere to follow through with the understanding that there are no "quick fixes".

What are your thoughts about families where there is no father? What then?

The statistics are not good for kids growing up without fathers -- they are twice as likely to drop out of high school; young ladies are three times more likely to become teen mothers; and, boys are ten times more likely to have behavioral problems. I encourage single moms to seek out a father-figure. Ideally, it would be a family member such as an uncle or cousin. But, it may be a Scout leader or a man in the church. Encourage the men's ministry in the church to address the need for father-figures for single-parent homes in the community.

What has been your greatest personal lesson as a father?

That I can become the father my children need by His grace and for His glory because I have a Heavenly Father that can fill the gap between Him and the example set by my earthly father.

Thanks, Rick, for your responses and for your ministry. We appreciate what you are doing to encourage fathers to lead their families in a Christlike way!

The Importance of Fathers

With Father's Day approaching, I thought it only made sense to focus on fathers for this post. It just so happens that I recently interviewed Rick Wertz, a very good bud--and the founder and president of The Faithful Fathering Initiative of Texas. Here is an edited portion of that exchange:

Rick, briefly, why did you start FFIT?

The Lord convicted me of busy-ness in my life. In spite of the fact that God had answered my lifelong prayers of providing a healthful marriage and family, as well as meeting our financial needs, I had relegated the raising of our children to their mother. The Lord convicted me that the role of the father is to emulate God's example as our Heavenly Father. God has called me to wake up men like me that have been distracted by the world. FFIT encourages and equips dads in their role as a father--to become the true heroes of the next generation.

In our culture and in the media today, how are fathers being treated?

In the worst-case scenario men are treated simply as sperm donors. Occasionally, there will be a positive article covering a dad doing it right, usually around Father's Day. But, in most cases, the depicition of fathers is of a dad not engaged or even present in his child's life.

Is this depiction justified?

The depiction is what it is, a representation of our culture.

How important is the role of a father in a family?

It is important enough for the Heavenly Father to share the moniker "father" with us. A dad provides the right balance with mom to provide a daily lesson in relationship that the child will reference for a lifetime.

What is the biblical reponsibility of the father?

To leave his mother and father and unite with his wife to become one flesh (Gen. 2:24) for the sake of raising godly offspring (Malachi 2:15).

Is it important for a father to be a biblical scholar?

No. But it is important for him to be the spiritual leader and reflect a commitment to grow in relationship with Jesus the Christ everyday.

In what ways does an invested and attentive father help the confidence of a child?

An invested and attentive father provides a solid reference point for the child, a constant. In doing so, the father points the way to the Rock, which is the foundational relationship that equips the child to face the ups and downs in a performance-based world.

I will continue this interview with Rick in the next posting.....

Teaching Kids About Money

The following excellent article was written by a very good friend of ours, Chris Groff. Chris, his wife Michelle, and Lee Long lead Parenting By Design, a parenting ministry with outstanding resources for biblical parenting principles. I have edited this slightly for space. From Chris:

I have recently been thinking about the questions, “What do I want my kids to know about money?” and “How can I best teach that lesson?”

1 John 3:17-18 says, “Whoever has the world's goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.”

Compared to all others, we are a very wealthy country. As a result, our problem with money is not the lack of it, but rather the use of the tremendous resources we have. Our children are born into this wealthy culture and it is our job as their parents to help them understand the role of money in their lives. Before we can teach them, however, we need to examine ourselves. What do we really think about money? Whose is it? What does God desire for us to do with it?

Most of you know the verse, “For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs,” (1 Tim 6:10). This verse is often misquoted as saying that money is the root of evil, but that is clearly not so. It is not the money that is evil; it is the love of money. I believe the love of money is evil because it takes the place of a love for God. Money can be very good when we remember it is a gift from God. “Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights,” (James 1:2). But, when we are blessed with financial rewards, as many of us are, we should pause to consider that the money we have been given is not ours. It is God’s money, given to us to use. And, the way we use the money God has entrusted with us says more about us and our love for God than most of our other "spiritual” endeavors. The example we set in the handling of our possessions is one our children will not forget.

It helps me to understand I am living in enemy territory. Each family and community of faith is a beachhead in the battle between good and evil and you can expect the enemy to fight with all he has. That means that he will do everything within his power to make you want more than you have because he knows the love of money and possessions excludes the love of God. We are inundated with media of all sorts, flooding us with images and sensations to entice us to want more and more. Our preoccupation with celebrities, the wealthy and the powerful serves to make us more and more discontent with our mundane lifestyles. Our response to this onslaught reveals the true love of our life. Do we love God or money?

It seems God’s view is money is not the issue. It is our love for the things money can buy. We want more money in order to … “But godliness with contentment is great gain,” (1 Tim 6:6 NIV). God seems to be saying the issue is contentment. Godliness means being content with what we have, whether that is little or much. When we are content and more money comes our way, we are in a much better position to pray and ask God what He wants us to do with it. When we are discontent, the drive to acquire more drives us away from God.

How can I apply this in my life? First, I have to remember that everything I have has been given to me by God. “For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude; for it is sanctified by means of the word of God and prayer,” (1 Tim 4:4-5). If you have much, praise God for it. If you have little, trust God that He has given you what you need to be content.

Second, I have to understand the gifts I have been given are not mine, but God’s. My money is not 90% mine and 10% God’s – it is 100% God’s. And, He is very interested in what I choose to do with the gifts He has given me. My use of those gifts is the best indicator of my heart. “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also,” (Matt 6:21).

Third, God has given us instruction in how to give. “On the first day of every week each one of you is to put aside and save, as he may prosper, so that no collections be made when I come”, (1 Cor 16:2). Ryrie uses this verse to demonstrate four principles of giving: (a) Giving is incumbent on everyone (“each one of you”); (b) giving is to be proportionate (“as he may prosper”); (c) giving is in private (“put aside and save”); and (d) giving should be periodic (“every week”).

How can I teach this to my kids? Remember, it is not just what you say to your children; it is your example that shows what you really believe. Humbly talk about the importance of giving in front of your children. Let them hear your prayers about giving. Demonstrate your love for God by giving some of His money to those less fortunate. Follow the Biblical model for giving, and walk with them through the steps.

In addition, consider their allowance as a way for them to experience giving. Teach them that allowance is a gift from God (through you), but that the money is still God’s. Help them pray about and decide what to do with it, and teach them the Biblical principles for giving. What a gift to give our children! We can help them learn God’s truth about money, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you," (Heb 13:5). That is true contentment.

If you would like more information about Parenting By Design, visit their website at www.parentingbydesign.com or email them at chris.groff@charter.net or michelle.groff@charter.net
Lee Long offers private counseling in Ft. Worth, Houston, and Dallas. To schedule an appointment, call (469) 878-9967 or visit the websites.

Dealing With Bullies

Children being victimized by bullies is not new territory. We've all seen A Christmas Story, right? But unlike little Ralphie in that movie, the effects of it today can have far greater consequences. Children that get bullied are at a higher risk for depression and violent behavior than other children. We've seen that play out in some very tragic scenes this year.

Dr. Michele Borba, an educational psychologist and author of the book Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues That Teach Kids To Do The Right Thing, has some important advice on how to respond to a situation with bullies and your children. First of all, take it seriously and believe their story. Next, find out as many facts and details as you can--when and where the incidents took place. Ask questions about how your child reacted to the bullying. Show understanding and empathy to your child and let them know that you're glad that they told you about it. Give them confidence that you will help them take action.

Borba also suggests for your child her CALM approach--cool down, assert yourself, look your bully in the eye, and mean it. Also, if possible, avoid locations where the bully may be. Meanwhile, encourage your child to travel often in the safer company of friends, while also making new friends.

However, don't give your child all of the responsibility for stopping the bully. Meet with school authorities, if necessary, to make sure they have all the facts and that they are responding. Be persistent and diligent. Talk to your child regularly and to school leadership to be assured that the bullying has stopped.

Finally, pray daily for your child's protection and for their personal growth and the ability to assert themselves correctly. God knows exactly what your child needs and loves your children even more than you do (hard to imagine, isn't it?).

Children that are bullied are not alone. According to Borba, one in seven children suffer the trauma of it. However, with the prayerful support of parents, children can stop becoming statistics from needless and destructive acts of bullying.

"Everyone Else Is Doing It!"

We've just come off of prom season here in Texas, and as I watched many a Hummer-limo drive by, I was reminded of how the pressure of our peers never really goes away. Remember when you were in high school and you used to hear the term "peer pressure", referring to the pull of the drug and alcohol culture and premarital sex? You might have assumed that pressure from your peers would simply fade away as you grew up and out of your teenage drama. Then you became a parent and discovered that peer pressure has raised its ugly head once again! Only this time, it doesn't come from other gawky, know-it-all adolescents ... no, this time the pressure comes from other parents.

Whether the pressure is how extravagant to make your 8-year-old's birthday party, or at what age you let your child date ... there is still the pull that we feel in wanting our kids to fit in and be a part of the crowd. Parents may have outgrown the idea that we, ourselves, need to be a part of the "in" crowd, but the idea of our kids feeling left out - whoa! - that's sometimes too much for us to take. Even though you probably hang out with other parents who are usually level-headed, even those parents can cause us to feel a little old-fashioned at times. Sometimes even our best friends can make us feel unhip, or just out of touch with what's going on -- especially if they let their kid do something we may not allow our kid to do.

Don't get me wrong ... I think other parents are a great resource for us. Those who have kids the same age as ours can encourage and support us. However, eventually we have to make decisions that are specifically right for our children -- not decisions made by other well-intentioned parents just because "everyone else is doing it".

We have a rule in our house that potential suitors for our teenagers must have a little "get-to-know-you" meeting with Mom or Dad before our kids are allowed to go out on a date. We've heard the cries from our eldest of how "no other 21st-century parents do this!" -- and at times we've been made to feel as though we're out to humiliate and ruin the lives of our own children. Such is the life of a parent who is trying to go against parent peer pressure. I try to remind my children that we're not setting out to raise "status quo" kids. We're trying to raise people who rise above the norm, and do the right thing. This is not always easy.

So be prepared to "just say no" to the peer pressure that seems to relentlessly follow you throughout every season of your life. In this case, I guess Nancy Reagan had it right.

The Family That Eats Together.....

The power of a shared family meal--who knew? According to an article published last year in Time magazine, there is something powerful that happens when a family eats together. And more specifically, it's in the teenage years when this habit pays the greatest dividends. Multiple studies show that the more often families share meals together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders and consider suicide. Not only that, but those kids are also more likely to do well in school, delay having sex, eat their vegetables, learn big words, and know which fork to use. I guess this is assuming, of course, that you set out more than one fork when your family sets the table.

Researchers speculate that maybe kids who eat a lot of family meals have less unsupervised time and, consequently, less time and opportunity to get into trouble. More likely, however, is the fact that families that eat together are more apt to connect emotionally. The dinner table is where a family builds its identity. Family stories are told and retold, laughter is easier, kids learn family traditions. This is where important emotional bonds are cemented between parents and children. Important values are passed to the next generation over the dinner table. There's just something disarming about breaking bread together.

Another point to consider is that families that eat together, particularly at home, tend to eat healthier as well. A study in the Archives of Family Medicine found that having more family meals tends to mean less soda and fried food and far more fruits and vegetables. Beyond that, kids that learn how to help prepare a meal are much more likely to eat it--something to think about with picky eaters. Besides, learning to cook is a useful skill that builds self-esteem. So even when families simply cook a meal together, they come out ahead.

If your children are small, you're probably already eating a lot at home. But those with older teenagers should experiment with this concept and see if there's not truth to it. My experience is that our kids seem more connected to their mom and dad after we have shared a meal together. So, we are firm believers that dinners together promote healthier and more emotionally grounded kids--and parents!