Each of us learns a lot about parenting from our own family of origin. Maybe your parents were very intentional about how to properly raise their children. Or maybe they were not even engaged at all in their roles as mom and dad. Or, most likely, it was somewhere in between.
What kind of parenting style do you have with your kids? Dr. Steve Stephens, a Christian licensed psychologist and author, says there are at least five negative styles of parenting:
Overprotective parents - These are parents that are constantly worried that something bad will happen to their children if those kids are given too much freedom. Did you ever see the movie Finding Nemo? The clownfish "dad" in that movie, Marlin, was that kind of a parent--not willing to let his son venture out at all. The negative product of this parenting style is a kid that often is too petrified to experience life at all--these kids are sometimes afraid of their own shaow. Or, on the other extreme, children of these parents have been so smothered for so long that they are prime candidates to rebel.
Permissive parents - When parents have an "anything goes" mentality, this is a danger sign for all kinds of destructive activity. First of all, kids don't have the discernment to always make sound decisions. And secondly, believing they will get "whatever they want" now sets them up for a rude awakening later. Kids need Mom and Dad to be loving parents, not their running buddies. Just look at many of today's young celebrities and their permissive parents.
Controlling parents - Virtually every kid of a controlling parent that I have ever known ended up in rebellion later. Parents with this style want to control every single aspect of their children's lives. People who operate their families this way would be better off training dogs, rather than raising kids.
Critical parents - So how's this style working out for you? Do you know anyone who responds well to unfounded criticism? Critical parents go way over the line in how they direct their children. A negatively critical environment creates, logically, negative attitudes--as well as impossible standards and ultra-perfectionism. Children in this kind of world either become obsessed with perfectionism themselves and/or get discouraged with everything they try--knowing deep down inside that they can't ever please their critical parent.
Disconnected parents - These are parents that live with their kids, but are so engrossed in their own activities that they don't give any quality attention to their children. The message communicated here is that "I'm too busy for you. You're on your own." These kids tend to become isolated and alienated. They also tend to crave serious romantic relationships before they are emotionally ready.
Dr. Stephens advises parents to be:
- cautious, not overprotective.
- generous, not permissive.
- firm, not controlling.
- encouraging, not critical.
- involved, not distant.
The Bible tells us we are not to exasperate our children. Rather we are to encourage them toward a balanced and Christ-centered life. No matter what parenting styles you witnessed from your own parents, with honest examination and prayer, you can move in these positive directions with your own children.
